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the soother of my cares, to whose whose breast, where I have deposited bosom I turn in my sorrow and in my all my cares, I hope, when the weary joy-in whose sweet companionship I world brings me to an end, to breathe find the only luxury of life, and on contentedly my latest sigh!
FASCICULUS THE FOURTEENTH..
" Bless every man possessed of aught to give,,
I was not a little surprised to re. Lodge. By the persuasion of Sophia, ceive, on the morning preceding the my guide, philosopher, and friend, I day that was to have witnessed our abandoned my original intention of embarkation for England, a neat en- kicking the cadaverous flunky down velope, with a card of invitation to stairs, and consented, dreadfully dipner, from the Viscount Cremona, against the grain, to say that I would which had hardly arrived, when an. be happy (God forgive me) to see Mr other missive was received, enclosing Snake whenever he pleased to favour a card for an evening party, from the me with a call-went to dinner to VisReverend Jim and Mrs Crow.
count Cremona, for which I was sufAs these scoundrels do not usually ficiently punished, in being obliged to exhibit their insolence after this fa- affect to listen to his lordship's murshion, I concluded the affair was a derous performance on the violoncello hoax, and could make neither head nor of a fantasia of Lindley-and after that tail of it, until Sophia, who usually adjourned to the mansion of the Revelooked at the morning papers for me, rend Jim Crow, where I drank, of pure observed, on perusing the paper of malice, three bottles of champagne, this eventful morning, that the mur- the receipt whereof I hereby acknowder was out.
ledge. “ What do you mean, my love ?" In short, until the day of the elecenquired I.
tion for an Inspector of National Na. * We are enabled to state, upon vigation arrived, my life was one conunquestionable authority, that the Earl tinued round of feasting and fiddling. of Alderney is selected to replace Lord I did not, indeed, visit Lumpkin Lodge, Foozlelesly as Lord Lieutenant of Ire. but I thought nothing of that, as I was land, and that his Excellency has been told that the indisposition of Mrs pleased to appoint the Honourable Lumpkin Snake was of a chronic naGeorge Gallaher, second son of the ture, and that in her disease the smell Earl of Clangallaher, to be private of a kitchen fire would be fatal! If I secretary to his Excellency,"—read, had been the Earl of Alderney, or the Sophia.
Honourable George Gallaher himself, 5. The murder is out, indeed," ex. I could not have been treated with claimed I—“ the spaniels !”
more distinction. Not only was I in“ Pardon me, love," interrupted vited to parties, but parties were acSophy,
you have no right to libel tually made on my account-carriages spaniels—they have at least the virtue were perpetually driving to the door of fidelity."
of our obscure lodging in Denzille “ Very true, Sophy; I beg the spa. Street, and Sophia was wearied with niels' pardon.”
importunities to visit people of viceIn the course of the day, the cada regal consequence, whose names she verous flunky, appertaining to Mr had never heard before. I will hoLumpkin Snake, arrived with a mes- nestly confess that I was swindled out sage from the right honourable rascal, of my sound senses, by the exhibition his master, to the effect that Mr Snake of this hollow-hearted rascality. I would be happy to know if it would actually believed that it was to me, not be convenient for me to favour him to the Honourable George Gallaber with an interview, and where ; and to and his venerable father, that all this express his regret that the indisposi- adoration was paid ; and believing mytion of Mrs Lumpkin Snake rendered self possessed of some hitherto undisit impossible for him at present to covered merit, plumed myself on my gratify the wish nearest to his heart, success, and fell into the trap ! of having me on a visit at Lumpkin If I live a thousand years, I never will forget the day of my election as impassable swamp. He returned to the Inspector of National Navigation. his native country a beggar, and died
I went up to the board-room, know. soon after of a broken heart. ing that I was already elected, and “ In a very few years," said his son, the reverend and right honourable with tears in his eyes, “my father rascals composing the Board, went must have been a Major-general, when up to the board-room, well knowing I could have been ensured a commisin their hearts that they had elected sion in the service.” me, and that if I were blind, deaf, or Perhaps, sir," said I, “ your faparalytic, they had not, with the fear ther's services might, if properly reof the Lord (Lieutenant) before their presented, still entitle you to the noeyes, dared to do otherwise. How. tice of the Horse-Guards." ever, the farce must be solemnly per. “ I fear not,” replied the young formed, and solemnly performed it ac. gentleman; “ we have made applicacordingly was. Although the vacancy tion repeatedly, and my mother and about to be filled up was studiously sisters, by a sacrifice of their little concealed, lest the public should get patrimony, have actually lodged the wind of it and bestow it on some emi. money for a commission, but we bave nent civil engineer, or other qualified been uniformly answered from the person, there were six-and-fifty candi. Horse-Guards that no hope can be afdates; and, may I never see Mala- forded me of an entry into the ser. hide, if I didn't pity the poor deluded vice. I heard of this situation,” condevils, many of them from distant tinued he ; " and being desirous to parts of the country, then and there relieve myself of the horrid conscious. assembled, to be immolated at the ness that I have contributed to the shrine of the solemn humbug of an poverty, if not to the misery, of my already decided election. They were family, I have applied for it.
Oh! all snobs, and I have a natural aversion how happy it would make them if I to that frequent variety of the human should succeed !" animal. By the way, they were not I felt almost ashamed of myself, for all snobs : there was one so palpably I knew he would not succeed, and I a gentleman — I knew him by that knew that I was to preclude his hopes first and surest criterion of his class, of success. I thought of his mother repose—that I cottoned to him in a mo- and sisters- I thought of my Sophia ; ment; for, thank God, although po. and I will say for Sophia that this verty precluded me through life from was the only moment of my life when emulating the gentlemanly dress and I wished I had never married. deportment, it cannot deprive one of The surly porter of the Commis. the right to admire gentlemanly senti. sioners of National Navigation entered ments and habits. I entered into the apartment, and having called out conversation with this gentleman, a my name in an authoritative voice, I fine intelligent young fellow_frank, left the room and ascended the state not familiar-manly, not brusque- staircase after the fellow, who bowed serious, not solemn-gay, not trifling. very low at every step, as if he knew But, in short, you read this Magazine, that it was all settled, and that I was and, as a gentleman, you must know already the inspector ; for the vermin what he was. His father, he told me, about public offices have a sort of inhad been a field-officer in the British stinct in discovering the proper obarmy-I forget the corps, but I think jects of their future subserviency. The it was the 18th light dragoons. After secretary-a gentleman and scholar long and honourable service, he was received me very politely at the door seduced by some swindler in coloniza- of the board-room, and the Commistion matters (such as are now not sioners, when I entered, desired me only protected, but encouraged by the to take a chair. present government, in every sort of “ Hum-ha-just so-exactly soextortion, oppression, and deceit), and excuse us, mister-ah !--you know having sold out of the army, purcha- hum-ha-that it is a part of our-hum sed a territory from the colonization -duty-to-ab! ah] enquire - into crimp, where, having laid out his little the-hum-qualifications - bum-of all in the necessary expenses, and the candidates--at this_hum-electiontransport of his family, he discovered ba-hum," observed Viscount Cremothat all of his estate that did not con- na, condescendingly. sist of lakes ! was one dense forest and “ A mere matter of form!" said the - Did you
Right Honourable Anthony Lumpkin ing-room, all eyes were fixed upon Snake.
me, and the snobs sidled up, one after “ A mere matter of form ! " echoed another, to get a hint of the nature of the Reverend Jim Crow.
my examination. “ A mere matter of form!” cho- “ Did they ask you the relative russed all the other Commissioners of strengths of timber and iron ?” enNational Navigation.
quired snob the first. “ Hum--ha-just so-exactly so- “ Yes." excuse us, mister—but we must-hum “ Did you answer it?" -ask you for your-hum-what are
« No. your pretensions to-hum—this situa- “ I know that I know that I tion ?--ha-hum,” enquired the Vis- know that!” exclaimed several snobs count, bowing.
in a breath. " The Earl of Clangallaher, my “ May I ask if they examined you lord,” I replied, with ludicrous gravity on the construction of locks in canals ?"
“ What are your qualifications,” enquired snob the second.
know it?" made him a rascal, but not a gentleman.
« No." “ The Earl of Clangallaher, sir," " I know that, I know that I repeated I, with another bow. know that !" chorussed several snobs
" 'Tis mere matter of form- but at once. you'll excuse me, my dear sir. May “ Did they examine you on subI presume to ask whether you have marine architecture?" enquired snob any other qualification ?" observed the third. the Reverend Jim Crow.
66 Yes." “ Only the Earl of Clangallaher,"
know it?" I repeated, for the third time.
66 No.' ""Hum — ha — have you — may I " I know that-I know that I ask, any-hum-I mean any testimo know that !” exclaimed the snobs alnials?" again interrogated the Viscount together. Cremona?
The door of the waiting-room open“ Certainly, my lord,” said I,“one ed, and the eyes of all the snobs were from the Earl of Clangallaher.” concentrated that way, in the expecta
“ Have you any other testimo. tion of the entrance of the burly porter, nials ?” enquired Mr Lumpkin Snake. when a very different species of appari
“ Oh yes ! sir," I replied ; “ two tion presented itself. The door opened, from the Earl of Clangallaher!!” and while all the eyes of all the snobs
“ Have you any other testimo. were directed upon it, a graceful girl nials ?” re-echoed the Rev. Jim Crow. entered the apartment. She had not
“ By all means, sir, three from the made more than three paces advance Earl of Clangallaher!!!”
into the room, when, modestly lookThe Commissioners of National ing round, her eyes encountering the Navigation paused, and looked so- vulgar stare of all the snobs, she made lemnly at one another.
a full stop, colouring deeply, and in “ Hum-ha-I think,” observed her embarrassment dropped a packet the Viscount Cremona, looking round from her bosom. the table, “the testimonials (!) and I hastened to pick it up, and prequalifications (!!) of this gentleman, senting it to the lady, had just observed are-hum-quite satisfactory;" on the envelope the words “ On his
“ Oh! quite satisfactory," replied MAJESTY's Service," when the young the Right Honourable Anthony gentleman, whose conversation with Lumpkin Snake.
me I have elsewhere detailed, turning “ Oh! perfectly satisfactory,” said from the window, caught a glimpse of the Reverend Jim Crow.
his sister, and, exclaiming “ Cbar" Oh! perfectly satisfactory," lotte,” few instantly to her arms. He echoed all the other Commissioners of led the young lady into a window raNational Navigation.
ther more removed from the gaze of “ Mr Secretary, the gentleman may the snobs, and having conversed with retire,” observed the Viscount Cre- her for a moment, approached me in mona, and Mr Secretary bowed me out evident emotion, with a request that I with ludicrous gravity, accordingly: would do him the favour to read a
When I descended into the wait- letter which he had not sufficient com.
posure to peruse himself. I followed vious-hum-education, habits—and accordingly into the recess, and break. great-hum-general acquirements, ing open the letter, in a low tone, so the fittest-hum-to be the-humas not to be overheard by the snobs, Inspector of National-hum-eh-ha communicated the contents as follow : -hum!”
“ Horse Guards, May —, 18_, “I may as well tell you all,” ob“ Sir, I am directed by his Lord- served Snake, “that the Commisship the General Commanding-in. sioners have come to this decision Chief to acquaint you, that upon a unanimously. representation made to him of the long “ Unanimously," echoed the Reveand distinguished services of your late rend Jim Crow, with emphasisfather, his lordship has been pleased “ Unanimously," chorussed the rest to recommend you for a commission of the Commissioners. in the eighteenth light dragoons, with. The Secretary bowed us all out, the out purchase, to which in a few days Commissioners of National Navigation you will be gazetted accordingly. You went home in their several carriages are hereby indulged with two months' to write letters of congratulation to the leave of absence, when you will be Earl of Clangallaher (of which I have expected without delay to join your three now in my pocket), the discomfitregiment, now stationed in Dublin, ed snobs sneaked off, wondering how a and report yourself to the command- man came to be elected who knew ing officer for duty.--I have the ho- nothing of the relative strengths of nour to be, sir, your very obedient iron and timber, the construction of humble servant,
locks on canals, or sub-marine archi.
tecture, and I went home to acquaint Dublin.
Sophia of my success, and to dress for I folded up the letter, handed it to an evening party at the town-mansion the young gentleman, who pressed of Viscount Cremona. my hand warmly, without uttering a It is not my purpose here to examine word, then, taking his sister, who had the other appointments of the Comdrawn her veil closely over her face, missioners of National Navigation, but not before some tears dropped (and their name is Legion), but this I from her eyes on his arm, bowed me will solemnly and truly assert, that as an adieu, and hastily left the apart. far as I could ascertain, not one apment. I went to the window, and saw pointment they ever made, not one the young soldier and his sister walk person they ever promoted, was prohurriedly down the street, arm in arm. moted or appointed by them upon any I threw it open, and leaning out, fol. other grounds, or for any other realowed them as far as I could with my
sons than the reasons and the grounds eyes, but I did not follow them far, that governed my own appointment. for my eyes, somehow or other, be- The Earl of Alderney had not recame dim.
signed the government of Ireland I forgot the snobs, the commission more than two months, when I reers, and the election—it is not every ceived a mandamus from the Commisday a man is permitted to enjoy the sioners, ordering my attendance upon luxury of beholding a deserving family the next board-day, when I attended made happy!
accordingly. When the four-and-fifty remaining On entering the board-room, I was snobs had been examined upon the re- met by a scowl from the Right Hon. lative strengths of iron and timber, Anthony Lumpkin Snake, precisely the construction of locks on canals, similar to that with which he greeted and sub-marine architecture, we were me upon my first interview with him at all invited by the Secretary to the Lumpkin Li uge, and which convinced board-room, where the Viscount Cre- me that it would not be long before mona addressed the
deluded a hole would be picked in my coat by wretches in mannerand form following: that functionary. The Viscount Cre
“ Hum_ha—justso-exactly so—80 mona, in his usual hesitating manner, I thought-hum—the Commissioners which I will not fatigue the reader by of National_hum-Navigation, have further translating, informed me that carefully examined—ha-into the quathe Board had been made aware of the lifications of every–hum-candidate fact, that I was able to do something -and have resolved that Mister-ah more than write my own name-and -ah—(pointing to me), is by pro- that I had actually committed the
crime of writing a pamphlet, which dare do it, they settled my dismissal nobody had sold, which nobody had and dismissed me accordingly. Not bought, and of which not a solitary only did they dismiss me, but they copy, save one, which I had the mis- carried their spite beyond their own fortune to present to Dr Viper-apro- power-they refused me a certificate tégé of the Reverend Jim Crow-which to enable me to gain employment elsewas presented by that small animal to where-they got up in their places in the Reverend rascal his master, who Parliament, and although, thank God, forth with (for he had no longer the they could not even get a fact against fear of the Earl of Clangallaher before me, hinted a fault, and hesitated dishis eyes,) laid the production thus re- like. They gathered together the ceived, with all the circumstances of hirelings who depended upon them for aggravation he could imagine, before present bread and future promotion, his brother Commissioners. After an to testify to what they pleased to allege acknowledgment of the authorship, against me, on pain of being subjected which Mr Lumpkin Snake, who is a to my penalty. Jesuit, invited me to deny, under pre- But why do I suppose motives for tence that he wished me to save my conduct where motives are so plainsituation by telling a falsehood, the why invent hypotheses to explain that Commissioners called on me for my which more than sufficiently explains defence. My defence was, that I had itself? The fact was, the Honourable written pamphlets before, and that the Tom Shuffleton had just sold out of Commissioners not only permitted, the army, where he had distinguished but encouraged me to write them; himself everywhere but in the field, praised them when written, and had and wanted a situation. Now, there lick-spittled me for writing them; and, was unfortunately no situations_vamoreover, had thanked the Earl of cant at the time the Honourable Tom Clangallaher for recommending to Shuffleton expressed through his uncle, their notice a man capable of writing the Earl of Fishgall, who patronized
the new Lord Lieutenant, his intenThis staggered them a little, but they tion to take a situation, and as the were too old to be put off their game Honourable Tom couldn't wait, the by such an answer as that; and ac- next best thing the Commissioners of cordingly they repeated the charge National Navigation could do for him over and over again, informing me, in was to make a vacancy, which, after reply to all my supplications, that they some consultation as to whose situahad no occasion, unless they pleased, tion would make the vacancy most to give me any reason for my dismis- quickly, was accordingly done-and sal, that they were determined to dis- the privilege of being ejected, was miss me, and that they only gave me very politely conferred on me. this reason for doing so as a satisfac- I was dismissed, as I told you betion to my mind, and as a matter of fore, and received a very polite intifavour. I offered, both in words and mation from the secretary (which I writing-for I thought of my wife and have also in my pocket), informing children-to make them every satis- me that there had been an election for faction for my unintentional offence. an inspector vice your humble servant I implored them, with tears in my eyes, cashiered, that the number of candi. not to bring me and my family to ruin; dates was forty-six, and that the Hon. but I implored in vain. Whether it ourable Tom Shuffleton was unani. was that my election was a job of so mously elected. shameful a nature, that they wished to The recital of this little incident drive away at once the recollection of in my eventful life is not of a perit and the object-or whether it was
sonal interest alone, for, if it were perthat I was zealous and inflexible in the sonal only to myself, it would be a discharge of my duty-or whether it matter of no interest at all. It is, was that I knew more than all my on the contrary, of the deepest pubmasters, put them all together-or, lic interest, and carries with it
, as what would contrast more forcibly I may say, a political moral. It is with them, even than talent perhaps, proper that the public should know because I was straightforward, manly that these Commissioners of National and independent; certain it is, from the Navigation are of that political faction moment that the Earl of Alderney whose existence began by a denial of turned his back, when they knew they the exercise of that very prerogative