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In this short prospectus of our de- ger of a conspirator, who was too ensign we are obliged to pass over in vious of our increasing influence to haste the Egyptians, who had the ad- endure the presence of the laurelled vantage of possessing a priesthood, chief. We consider the scene of Nero every member of which was a sworn fiddling when Rome was burning, and brother of our house. Much new in- afterwards throwing the blame of his formation will be presented to the own bonfire upon his Christian subpublic upon the Greeks, their elegant jects, as a beautiful specimen of the mythology having a strong claim upon power of our principles to overcome our notice; and singularly interesting all vulgar ideas of justice or pity. matter will be unfolded to the scholar When the Romans were fast losing and divine in those pages which relate their name, and their empire was more particularly to the virtuous daily vanishing, there arose in the East mothers of the gods worshipped in the a mighty man, of whom we are justly Morea,—the amiable characters of Ju- proud, as he carried out the theory and piter and Juno,the power of Cupid practice of our family to the highest - the deeds of Bacchus.
pitch of renown. Need we say this The modern Greeks may have was Mahomet? His station and birth changed their faith in some points, obscure-his inheritance nothing-his and, instead of the images of Apollo name unknown ; yet, by following and Minerva, may have those of St the intuitive instincts of a true born George and St Agatha ; but we are Humbug, he advanced himself to the pleased to know they hold the prin- possession of kingdoms, he overthrew ciples of our family as firmly as their the idolatrous worship of many namore celebrated progenitors; and, if tions, and instituted a religion which not quite so distinguished now as in is chiefly that of devotion to himself. the olden time, we really think they If born in obscurity, he died the most are just as worthy.
distinguished individual of his time, The Romans began, according to and is, in consequence, ever to be esthe precepts of our universal code, by teemed as second to none but the great propagating the pleasant story of Rom head from whence we sprung. His mulus and Remus ; this answered so memory is held in profound veneration well, that Numa and Egeria soon be- by Egyptians and Persians, Arabs and came a circulating marvel to exact Turks; the last of these possess an in. obedience to strong rulers and new valuable relic, preserved as a sacred laws, and the rude people, being ga- remembrance of the inspired prophet, thered into a nation, subdued all and exhibited only on the most solemn around them. Their conquests went and important occasions. As the Engon for ages, until they triumphed over lish language has no fit term by the world. This was no easy matter, which we can exactly translate the and cost much loss of life and limb; name of this palladium of the Ottoman but one set of hardy warriors arose as empire, we must leave it amongst the the other fell until at last Rome ap- “ inexpressibles," and endeavour to peared in all her pomp and pride. make our readers better understand # They who possess the highway to our meaning by using a Scotticism, the East have the treasures of the and declaring the holy standard to be globe," and such the Romans found it Mahomet's " green breeks." to be. Palaces and temples, columns We hasten on, taking little notice and arehes, graced the imperial city of the Crusades, which were carried on on every side, and never were men or chiefly by the fostering care, and under statues lodged in grander abodes. the influence of our kindred. About That was the moment for our illus- that time arose a great accession to the trious family to arise and enjoy the dignity and grandeur of our house in wealth and power which others had so the established dominion of the papacy dearly earned. We do not deny to over the souls, and, therefore, over Julius Cæsar the glory of fighting and the bodies of men. No potentates have conquering, and passing the Rubicon ; ever been such firm allies and brethren yet, if his genius bad not been warmly of our social compact as their holi. tinctured by the privilege of our alliance, nesses the popes of Rome. All honour he could not have been the greatest of and glory be to them, for they have the Roman name. Alas! that such ever been the firm defenders and sup. a man should have fallen by the dag. porters of the line and lineage of lluinbug. Alas! when all was going on land, Italy, Spain and Portugal, &c., happily-when they held in their even &c., where their edifying ceremonies grasp the balance of power--when they are performed with all pomp and circould, by an excommunication, take a cumstance, to their enlightened, learn. king from his throne, and place on it ed, sensible, thoughtful, followers. a minion of their own- when, by the It is gratifying to the observant simple expedient of a papal bull, they mind to perceive how adroitly the could dissolve the allegiance of a whole Church of Rome can escape by her sub. ration to their lawful sovereign-when tlety through every difficulty. When they could persuade counts and knights Luther and his stupid disciples deto ravage many a fair province, for nounced image worship, as not only the kind purpose of exterminating, by savouring of paganism, but as forbidthe summary process of fire and sword, den by what he called the second comheretics, who were too dull to believe mandment, the Church, dear, kind impossibilities—when, we repeat, all mother of the flock, and likewise of tho these delightful schemes for the advan- fleece, not only denied she worsbipped tage of the popedom, and, doubtless, of wood and stone, but turned the comall Europe, were daily gathering more mandment out more determinately strength and daring, a fierce-minded than ever from her continental creed, German began to discover what he with her usual affability and knowwas pleased to call “imposition," ledge of the world she has permitted it to “ fraud," "scandalous abuses," in the be resumed in the Decalogue amongst sale of indulgences, and caused a tre- her British subjects. Surely such a mendous convulsion in the peaceful Church has a right to know what she Catholic Church, which made a fear really does believe in, butarrogant Proful breach in her bulwarks, and awoke testants, notwithstanding all the Scarher from her sweet slumber and re- let Lady's asseverations as to these pose. This Luther was not contented images and crosses, on altars and shrines with interrupting the proceedings of and highways, being merely emblems Tetzel, and other tender-hearted ven- or signs of faith, deny, impiously deny, ders of these invaluable privileges to the truth of her statements, and ask, sin, but had the presumption to go on with their wonted effrontery, how it further, and rage against other ancient happens that an old image of the modes of faith and practice which had Virgin at Loretto is still, and has been been adopted in what are erroneously visited for ages, by pilgrims, as being a called the dark ages, until he clamoured gracious and pitiful lady, when, with. and wrote down many pleasing ways out moving a hundred yards from of obtaining heaven, such as purgatory, home, these devotees might have preprayers for the dead, merits of saints, sented their supplications to a fine redeeming the soul by the payment of fashionably dressed Madonna in their money to the priests, who transacted own parish church? They go on to say, the important business for them, and “ If you don't worship the image, why who would in these mercantile days be wont the sign or emblem do as well in called spiritual brokers. But “ the un. one place as another; and why wont kindest cut of all" was unfolding the r your lady' at Seville or Madrid, “ mystery of iniquity," known by the raise your mind to high-pressure determ " Trapsubstantiation." Now, votion equal to that old fright at Loif all these ingenious inventions are not retto ?" The Church," wise as a actually available for the end proposed serpent," never replies to such imperin another world, they are remarkably tinent questions. She declines arguagreeable and profitable in this, to each ment, but insists upon obedience to party concerned, and, therefore, why her doctrines; and where she has the not let good alone? The novel falla- Law, the Gospel is not much regard. cies of this singular monk obtained ed. This sagacious method is always largely in England and Scotland ; and adopted by her as shortest and best; it must be stated, as a singular fact, and as the use of reason or truth is that wherever these opinions gain generally against her interest, our ground, our kith and kin are obliged family always agree with the Pontiff to leave the soil and emigrate. How- in enforcing blind faith in her children. ever, we are thankful to say that to In proof of this, we would adduce the this time the true old popish creeds case of wbat we may call the Parallel and ways hold fast their gripe in Ire. Popes, each elected by a conclave, each infallible, each anathematizing were always turbulent; and whoever the other with wondrous power of reigned in that island, had to subdue, cursing. Now, the people who are in the best way they could, the facfor common sense, and all such weari. tious men, who were ever talking of some stuff, wish to know, “ if both their rights and privileges, and such were incapable of doing or being nonsense; but this Alfred the Great wrong, how it could possibly happen instituted a strange thing-a trial by two similarly inspired, gifted person. jury! where each criminal or accused ages, should always disagree, and al. person is brought before twelve of his ways embrace opposite factions ?" own grade in society, and cannot be The faith of the Papist must see condemned nor punished until they no difficulty, and settles it (we for- are satisfied by evidence of his guilt. get how, as we never could discover Now, this was undermining kingly the mystery) according to its prompt power and feudal rights with a venand decisive manner; and, if there geance : and after a time in that counshould be the power of the « se try, a monarch could neither behead cular arm" on its side, they will put nor imprison a disgraced favourite, “ the question” to you, and cavillers nor a lordly baron get rid of a neighwill find themselves racked through bouring laudholder, without being and through, till they are satisfied to called to severe account for his congive themselves no further trouble duct; until at length, in that contemptupon things which are beyond the ible kingdom, there is as much ado comprehension of God or man. made about hanging a man, or shoot
Notwithstanding the grievous schism ing an inconvenient friend, as would caused by the Lutheran party, much have sufficed, in “good old times,” to of the real leaven of the spirit of Po raise an insurrection. Thanks to the pery has been disseminated by a sin- intricacy and number of the laws, gularly acute body of men known as many of our dear family contrive to Jesuits. Loyala, the founder of the raise themselves to wealth and greatorder, was a master-mind; and the ness, otherwise this branch of our brotherhood have not disgraced the house must have been completely institution. Holy Ignatius! thou wert humbled by the straightforward proprompted by St Nicholas himself ceedings of juries and evidence. in the concoction of thy noble pro. We believe that in every nation ject. The doctrine of mental reser- there are members of our mighty vation is one worthy of the “old gen. race, yet, like the Jews, we prosper tleman" in person, and has met with in some more than others-- perhaps all the encouragement so useful a dis. England has fewer of the legitimate covery merited from its own fostering line of Humbug than any other civi. church, and our honourable family. lized country : but we never despair ; When we see the influence of Le Tel. and since Stoneyhurst and several lier producing the revocation of the Jesuit colleges are flourishing, and a edict of Nantz, we are lost in admira via media has been discovered, which tion at the depth of the Jesuit, who, may lead, by a safe and speedy route, to advance the interests of his brethren to Rome, we expect by and bye the (and therefore doubly ours), could family may rise, even in this commongive thousands of his fellow.creatures sense community, to hold the sway it to sword and banishment. We pro has obtained elsewhere. Not that nounce it a noble sacrifice of love of Britain does not afford some celebratcountry to party spleen.
ed names to our genealogical table. As England will detain us rather St Dunstan was a host in himself !-long, we shall place our grievances but we cannot mention a truer heart there, as much as possible, in one than Thomas-a-Becket. We worship mass, and must retrograde as to time in spirit at his shrine, and view with in our narration.
ecstasy the otherwise dauntless Henry During a period of profound repose crouching before the lordly priest. to the souls of all Europe, when they Sad was the day which saw the prewho had the upper hand kept their late fall a martyr to the interests of place by the iron mace, and allowed that pure church, and our noble house, no one to think but themselves, a king, of which he will ever shine a resplennamed Alfred, ruled over that paltry dent ornament. As worthy of a place spot called Albion. The people there next such a saint comes Wolsey. His character is doubly interesting as gal, &c., with so much real benefit to statesman and cardinal, all his care in the inhabitants. We breathe in si. the first department merging in the lent awe when we look back upon the last; for he who wears a red hat may palmy days of an institution, so well perchance unbeaver himself into a calculated to repress the cant known triple crown. How happy was Eng- by the name of " free enquiry" and land in having as her prime minister “ private judgment." No such things one whose heart was always fixed on were ever permitted where the power raising himself by any means from of the holy office was paramount ; and being a subject of the amiable Harry, how happily did our family flourish to setting himself first in the chair of by the care of our familiar friends! St Peter, and then his foot on the Did time or space allow, we could tell necks of kings. By all the transac. of gifts laid on the shrines of smiling tions which are recorded of the history Madonnas--of offerings to the broken of Europe at that precise period, we head of St Iago-of visions by nuns can pronounce with pride, and with of our sacred kindred, which brought no fear of denial, that Charles V., much gain to her convent. Had it Francis I., the two or three popes, not been for the art of our skilful Henry VIII., and every other crown- party, would there ever have been an ed head, were each scions of the regal Escurial, an Alhambra, and other house of Humbug. If you doubt our sacred fanes, where the most pious poor pen, read over every chronicle of frauds were carried on upon our most the time, and then parse our name approved principles ? Oh, for that through every mood and tense. As a celestial quill which reposes in plumed fit successor to the mild virtues of sanctity in the quiet crypt of a conHenry VIII., came his daughter, vul- vent in the Peninsula ! Had we that garly called “ bloody Mary,” Mr feather, which dropped from the wing Waterton, in his late mee • Autoof the angel Gabriel (when and where biography,” designates her " the the legends state not, for they do not good.” It is the first time we ever love to be precise"'), how would we had the pleasure of seeing that adjec- expatiate upon the treasures of the tive applied to her, save in connexion Romish Church ! how would we tell with other words, which together com- of the legs and wings, the noses and posed the very uncivil epithet of eyes of saints-often miraculously “ good-for-nothing.” But new read. multiplied for the good of the faithings of history are coming into fashion, ful! Oh, the silver images, bedecked under the patronage of the Humbugs. with jewels and French fashions! Oh, The ingenious Earl of Oxford restored the plate and cloth of gold! Oh, the to Richard, surnamed “ Crook back," a revenues, the houses, and the land fine shape and mien. Dr Lingard has we possess! Oh, the merits of the favoured the public with so many saints, which can be turned into “historic doubts" and embellishments ready cash! and by the mass-there in his History of England, that he has is no end of their power. All, made it a new study. A writer in the all, is the reward of the talents and French language has lately gratified industry of our wonderful family. the modesty of La belle France, by Without our aid, the Latin and Greek proving the battle of Toulouse was Churches would have been as poor, gained by Soult. We are in daily ex. and therefore as humble, as the Scotch pectation of meeting with a similarstate- and Moravian-both of which are bement as to Waterloo and Wellington. neath our notice, as we value only
In speaking of the revered Mary, wealth, power, and grandeur. These we must not be so unjust as to pass interesting topics are perpetually al. over in silence her affectionate hus- luring us from the main course of our band Philip, who can never be men. details, and weagain return to England. tioned without feelings of deepest re- Much has been said of Oliver Cromspect for his fine and tender disposi. well, but no one can fathom him, and tion. Had his consort lived, they to this day he is not distinctly made probably might have done the English out. Yet it is believed he was “one the favour to introduce into the land of us ;" but as he was “ Protector" of the inquisition, which had been pre- the realm, and a great man for the viously established by the priestly time being, we place his name on the power of our family in Spain, Portu roll of our pedigree.
We hold in high regard his merry put all on their guard against opsuccessor, Charles II., who did him- posite faction. self and his country the honour to In France we have an immense receive a yearly pension from Louis circle of kindred. Our family have XIV., and who, when dying, pro- flourished in that kingdom, in every fessed the Popery he had not dared to department, since the reign of Louis own when living ; probably he had XI., with undisputed sway ; but in travelled abroad more than enough, this Prospectus we cannot even aland did not wish again to leave his lude to the very greatest amongst kingdom and crown. Be that as it them, they are so numerous, and canmay, his conduct was very impos. not even give their names, much less ing, and the recollection of him their merits. We therefore, with the self, the beauties of his court, and utmost reluctance, pass over a centhe long-eared spaniels, are embalm- tury or two, and stop at the splendid ed in our memories as all worthy epoch of Louis the XIV., to admire of each other. Since that pleasant for a moment the monarch who does time, none of our family have sat on our system so much credit. Would the British thronemalas, for the sad that we might descant at length upon fact !
the men of his camp, the women of If there be one person in these mo. his court-our star was then in the dern times whom we have reason to ascendant! And whilst we glance at abhor even more than Luther, it is the gorgeous scene, we sigh to think Francis Lord Bacon. Before he wrote, such a king, such beauties, such wits every man published theories and va should ever die! How charming is garies according to his own taste or the example they have left us of livfancy, and his opinion was as good ing for years in a round of dissipation, as another's, when neither could prove 'and then taking a week's prayers in a their positions ; everybody wrote and convent, by way of settling old sin said what they chose without gain. accounts, and at once recommencing saying, which was a very agreeable with ardour their former pursuits! We plan. But since Bacon presumed to like that receipt for clearing the consend forth his Novum Organum, science from remorse for crime, or the English expect from all who ad. levity of conduct, and would recomvance new opinions, or exhibit novel mend the pious practice be resumed. doctrines, the truth of their state. Peace to the ashes of the lovely Monments to be deduced from facts. Now, tespan, and the dissimulating Maintethese are " stubborn things,” and can non! The letters of the latter are not always be had. Indeed, there may edifying specimens of what Johnson be no evidence whatever for a plausi. called the vanity of human wishes." ble conjecture, or a vivid imagination; In this brief notice of the general and yet these obstinate people disbe- plan of our labours, necessity compels lieve all who cannot show each point us to leap over large divisions of time, to be true-little considering that such and, leaving the intermediate reigns, has never been the practice of our old we must rest awhile upon the French family, and they cannot now begin to Revolution. This was a very differlearn. We do not profess to prove ent affair to that which the English any thing ; we prefer the established are pleased to call their “glorious custom of saying what is likely to Revolution," not only in the mode by promote our advancement, and leaving which it was carried on, but also in it to work its subtle way. The Ba- its results. As our power was much conian method is abominable, and diminished by that change of men and must not be tolerated. Unless some measures, we leave the British people stop be put to « induction, examina. in their own fancied felicity, with tion, and proof," the Humbugs may much scorn and contempt for their consider themselves as overthrown, conduct towards us. Not such is our root and branch. Yet, happily, this feeling as to the French Revolution. will take time to effect; and so long How many Humbugs arose to wealth, as human nature is human nature, and power, and fame at that interesting so long as money, power, and fame period, which was cleverly brought can be acquired by the devices we about by the talented pens of Voltaire, have adopted, we shall not quite Rousseau, and others at the head of despair ; but, in the meanwhile, would our literary institutions; and, in con.