"You don't mean to say you'll keep me here against my will?" I enquired. "I mean to say you're a soldier, and under my command-so halt!" "Ay, halt! you cowardly, whitelivered, rascally sponge," said the crimp, setting his teeth at me in a position so favourable for being sent down his throat, that I could not help, though I had died for it the next moment, drawing my left fist-rather an ugly customer and planting a smashing facer immediately on his expanded mug, which improved the crimp's physiognomy by the instantaneous addition of a hare-lip, and sent all his incisors and canines smack down his throat" on particular service." "Bolt for your life,” said the haggard man, starting to his feet-" run, or you're a dead man-fly for your life, sir"-repeated the haggard man, clearing his way towards the door, and bestowing on Sergeant Kite, who had half withdrawn his sabre from its sheath, a blow under the hilt of the ear, which sent that functionary whirling round on his axis, and finally involved him and the heroic usher in one tremendous fall; whereupon we leaped over the prostrate pair, and laying about us hot and heavy, cleared our passage to the street door, when the haggard man, taking the lead, wound and doubled in and out of the lanes and alleys at the rise of Tothill Street, emerged into the Broad Sanctuary, ran like fury through St Margaret's Churchyard, skirted Westminster Hall, over the bridge, and never drew bridle-breath I should say-until, opening by means of a latch key the door of a small house in an obscure part of the neighbourhood of the Waterloo Road, my preserver began to clamber up the stairs in the dark, dragging me after! FASCICULUS THE TWELFTH. "Ah! q'une belle demoiselle c'est une etrange affaire."-MOLIERE. I came, through the instrumentality of the haggard man, who was a native of Cork, by name Teague O'Desmond O'Swizzle, to be employed in very respectable business as a suck mug. A suck-mug, I would respectfully give your ladyship to understand, is a galleyslave chained to a newspaper press, and working himself to an oil for whatever he can possibly get-which amounts to as little as his employers choose to give him, that being the usual remuneration of literary persons, of whatever description. If you happen to be crossing Hyde Park, or any other park or place, and get knocked down by a shabby. genteel pallid-faced man, who is running for his bare life, with a bundle of quill pens (steel does not write fast enough) sticking out of one pocket, and a quire of foolscap out of the other, that man is a suck-mug. He has been attending a coroner's inquest at Bayswater, and is now running to attend another at the Pig and Whistle, near Vauxhall. If you are in Whitechapel in the evening, you see the same man returning from the East India Docks, whither he went to enquire about an extensive robbery of gold dust, and to write a long paragraph about it, which his employers cut down to four lines, value twopence! You see the same man, two hours after, going out of one river-side public house into another, in search of "Lives lost on the river;" when, if he be lucky enough to hear that three young men, named Spriggins, Huggins, and Jiggins, residing in Long Lane, Bermondsey, were drowned that evening, returning from Blackwall, he rubs his hands with delight, runs off to the newspaper office, puts in the deaths of Spriggins, Huggins, and Jiggins, and returns joyously to his family-who live in a garret over Westminster Bridge-with as much as will buy a polony a-piece, and a pot of beer for supper! In the morning he is off by daylight, to see whether the bodies of Spriggins, Huggins, and Jiggins have been found; if so, he gets his breakfast by that; and the report of the coroner's inquest, the day after, brings him in food for that day. He drinks at all times, and in all places, like a fish or coal-whipper; and if you put him into a hogshead of double X, he sucks it all up, at every pore of his skin. He is an Irishman, this hodman of literature; and came over here twenty years ago with a view to the Woolsack, but dare not show his nose in the Temple, where he entered his name as a law student, on account of a long arrear of unpaid fees. His heart and spirit have been broken long ago-the hopes upon which he fed for years have died with in him, and their epitaphs may be read legibly on his brow! Such, madam, is a penny-a-liner—an inferior gentleman of the press-a member of the "fourth estate"- - a newspaper drudge -in short, a suck-mug! I was ever ambitious of moving in genteel society; like the menagerieman's favourite bear, I could never be brought to dance to any but the very genteelest of tunes, such as "Water Parted," or the "Minuet in Ariadne!" It is not wonderful, therefore, that, seeing in the Times newspaper an announcement to the effect that, in a genteel-I do love that word-" in a genteel and pianoforte performing family-harp and guitar also, if required -a widow lady"- what a chance for a young Irishman with whiskers of best curled hair!" and her two daughters" think of that, a whisker a piece!" would be happy to receive into the circle of their society a philomusical gentleman of gentility.-N. B. If a flute and backgammon player, will be prefered. Terms according to room. Apply to Raggins, tripeScourer, Judd Street, corner of Caroline Street, New Road." Now, it so happened that I was philo-musical and a flute player; back-gammon I did not, unfortunately, comprehend, but trusted that difficulty might be got over. Being a gentleman of the press, I was a fortiori a gentleman; and being an Irish gentleman, I concluded myself-as every Irish gentleman, from Colonel Connolly down to a cow-boy, concludes himself-a gentleman of gentility! Accordingly, I posted away, in a tremendous flurry; to the domicile of Raggins the tripe scourer. That gentleman handed me a card, whereupon was written, evidently by one of the daughters, in an angular style, the address," Mrs Skinaflint, Terrace Place, Bloody Bridge, Pentonville;" and to that classic and gindrinking locality, I directed my impatient footsteps accordingly. After reconnoitring the premises-I always look at the physiognomy of an intended lodging, as well as at that of an intended landlady-I gave a thundering double-knock at the door, such as be came a gentleman of gentility; and, after the usual preliminary enquiry, was ushered into a little front parlour, where one of the young ladies Skinaflint was performing a fantasia of Hertz, with interminable variations, the other young lady Skinaflint holding the leaf of the music-book, ready for a quick turn over at "volti subi to." The interminable variations were stopped in full cry, by the entrance of the lady of the boarding-house herself, who, motioning the musical young ladies out of the room with one hand, motioned me to a chair with the other; and giving her soiled net cap with faded blue ribbons a lateral twitch or two, the better to conceal a few locks which straggled from beneath her welloiled front, Mrs Skinaflint set herself down, grinning expectancy, and looking as if she was glad she put the advertisement in the paper. "Beg pardon, ma'am," I began. "By no means, sir-don't say so," observed Mrs Skinaflint condescendingly. "I have taken the liberty of troubling you, madam," I went on, "in consequence of an advertisement" "In the Times of this morning," interrupted Mrs Skinaflint, who, it was plain to be seen, could not keep her tongue within her teeth for two scconds consecutively. "Exactly so, madam," said I-"musical, I believe?" "And select," said Mrs Skinaflint, with a toss of the head. "Quite so, of course-your appearance, madam, is more than sufficient to guarantee that-I wish I had all the brandy in that brass nose of yours" this latter observation was made sotto voce. "Oh! dear, sir," exclaimed the lady, hiding her brass nose in a last week's pocket handkerchief. "I had the pleasure to receive your address, madam," continued I, "from Mr Raggins, the"-I would have said tripe-scourer; but the tripe stuck in my throat. Mrs Skinaflint, however, relieved me in a moment. "Cats'-meat man-our cats'-meat man," exclaimed Mrs Skinaflint. "The same, madam, I believe." "Backgammon, madam, I perceive is a" "We are all so fond of a hit," said the lady. "My daughters will be so happy to instruct you." I bowed low in reply to this liberal offer, and thought, though I didn't exactly look it, that that cock wouldn't fight. "Will you look at the rooms?" said Mrs Skinaflint, promptly reverting to business. "With pleasure. vour to take my arm." Do me the fa "You are so very kind." I took the liberty of requesting from Mrs Skinaflint the very lowest terms for her state bed-room for a permanency, and having screwed her down pretty tight, as the undertakers say, I ascended me up into the attic, where I affected marvellously to admire the view, and to inhale the smoke-dried atmosphere, as if it were champagne mousseux. After much fencing off and on as we walked down stairs, Mrs Skinaflint and myself came to terms, or rather, I brought the lady to terms, having, before I set foot over the threshold, made up my mind to give fifteen shillings a-week, and not a sous more for a permanency, consisting of one week certain, and a week's notice if the lid didn't fit the box. What need of more words? The very same afternoon found me in a cab with my establishment, consisting of a tattered portmanteau, a patched travelling-bag, and a band-box, with my new hat in it, and my new hat-brush in my new hat, on the high road to my new 'fix' in Terrace Place, Bloody Bridge, Pentonville. At six the bell was rung for dinner by the servant of all work, who, the moment she had rung the bell, clattered away down stairs to hook out the crimped skate, while Mrs Skinaflint and myself, followed by the rest of the company, descended into the dining-room with as much consequence as if we had been descending to join the Queen's dinner party. The crimped skate, of which there was about as much as would have served a dyspeptic for luncheon, was distributed in mouthfuls on cold plates, with a table spoonful of a fluid, by courtesy called melted butter, and to save skate and trouble, the dish was unskated before it had gone round the table. Mrs Skinaflint and the two Misses Skinaflint not taking fish, probably because they didn't choose to take fish, perhaps because fish didn't agree with them, or, it may be, because there was no fish to take; and this last reason, to save logic, I request the printer to put first. The skate was not removed-for skate there was none to be removed but the dish was removed, and a leg of mutton took its place. As the skate was a little too stale, so was the mutton a great deal too fresh; but there being nothing else, the live mutton was tugged at by the company-for necessity is the mother of mastication! Half-inches of cheese were next served out by Mrs Skinaflint, and execrable small beer handed round by the servant of all work. The ceremony of dinner being thus complete-the company-I had almost forgotten the company, consisted-we give the sex the pas-of Miss Negrohead, a lady of no colour-black, in short-who had emigrated from Antigua for the edu cation of certain lesser Negroheads as black as herself-then came the widow of three husbands, who would not have had the least objection to try a fourth, Mrs Major Tramp-Miss Smuggles, the daily occasional governess, a sort of intellectual charwoman, who let herself out by the job, sat next-the two Misses Skinaflint, with their excellent mother, and one fat lady, who could not be identified as either maid, wife, or widow, made up the musical and select female society of our mansion in Terrace Place, Bloody Bridge, Pentonville. The musical part of the entertainment was ably sustained by the two Misses Skinaflint-Mrs Major Tramp, being a decidedly proper woman, or what is all the same, keeping her improprieties to herself, taking the lead in doing the select. The masculine gender was represented in our domicile by-I proceed according to the table of precedencePrince Snarlbach, a German potentate, who beguiled the tediousness of exile, like that stock-jobbing Jew, King Louis Philippe, in teaching the young idea how to speak French and German with the fluency of a native. Prince Snarlbach hated every man, every woman, every child, every climate, country, and religion-every thing at table, every thing not at table, and every thing everywhere else; his colloquial phraseology consisted only of the interjection pooh! and the interjection pshaw!-his brow was contracted into a habitual scowl, and his lip upcurled in a perpetual sneer. A very agree able person was the Prince Snarlbach, you may be sure! Next came the Count Diddlerini, passing himself off as a Neapolitan nobleman-justly admired by all the women as an accomplished gentleman, and justly avoided by all the men as an accomplished swindler. Mr Huckabuck came next, partner, as we understood, in a great Manchester warehouse, and I have no reason to doubt the truth of this assertion, as, passing one day along Tottenham Court Road, I saw Mr Huckabuck busily engaged at the door of a draper's shop in holding up a roll of flannel to the inspection of an elderly lady-this shop, I suppose, must have been the Manchester warehouse in question. Mr Fleetditch, a gentleman of the law, came last-attorney's clerk, in shortvery assuming, very pert, and very vulgar, as becomes gentlemen of his fraternity, for which reason I put him at the foot of our table, giving precedence to Mr Huckabuck, who, though very vulgar and very fond of "sparrow-grass," as he chose to call asparagus, was nevertheless an honest poor man and a good Christian. This was the list of inmates when I arrived at Terrace Place-they came and went, and went and came, to be sure; but, although there was a vast variety in the individuals, the tone of society ever remained the same-that is to say, fifty degrees below zero. Desolate spinsters, grass widows, equivocal mothers, and desperate daughters, arrived and departed in perpetual succession. Clerks, tutors out of place, Irish fortune-hunters, and runaway refugees, formed the never varied male population. Every soul, male and female, seemed to have received sentence of social excommunication-some, like myself, found guilty of being poor, and transported to a boarding-house accordingly-some knavish, some guilty, some indiscreet; but all, with. out exception, unfortunate, soured, and selfish! The only object of female ambition in the house was the virgin cup of tea, and the best buttered bit of toast-the highest stretch of intellect among the men cheating one another in wagers, or sponging upon the last new comer's bottle of wine. I ventured once to remonstrate with Mrs Skinaflint, I recollect, upon the propriety of having six turnips instead of three, for a dozen people, being halfa-turnip to each, assuring her that, as it was, I must decline to carve the vegetables. Mrs Skinaflint, with a curl of her brass nose, retorted that if I didn't choose to carve the vegetables, another would, and that people that paid next to nothing should feed next to nothing! I hate meanness-forgiveness I have in abundance for every other vice, but meanness with me is past redemption. I could spit on a mean man, and if it were not that the law-more shame for her-protects him, I would spit on every mean man I meet. Meanness, of all things, disgusts me, whether it be meanness in a boarding-house keeper, or meanness in-and in the scale of animated beings it would be impossible to go lower-meanness in that mirror of meanness-the Right Honourable Anthony Lumpkin Snake! I cut, without ceremony, the whole beggarly boarding-house congregation; and, having eaten my daily ration at the dinner table, ascended into my attic, which opened out upon a flat roof protected by a parapet wall. Here, with a couple of chairs, a bottle of old Cork whisky, imported by O'Swizzle, a cigar, a classic, and a lemon, I passed the long summer evenings in undisturbed repose; and here I acquired much of that Attic salt, which, if you are not as dull as a great thaw, you must have perceived sprinkled profusely over this autobiography. "But, sweeter far than this, than these, than all," here it was, on this very roof, protected by this very parapet wall, while enjoying, as was my custom of an afternoon, my chair, cigar, Cork whisky, lemon, and classic, that I met for the first time, and fell in love with for the first time and the last-my heart's treasure-the adorable-the angelic Sophia Jemima Cox! The fact was, the houses of Terrace Place had, every house of them, flat roofs, and, for the convenience of escapes in cases of fire, there was an accessible stair to each roof, opening out by a companion way upon the roof, and an easy transit from one roof to another -a style of architecture highly calcu lated to facilitate escapes from fire, as well as to promote caterwauling and intrigue. I was leaning back in my chair with my legs upon another, see-sawing rather sleepily-curious that the fourth tumbler always makes me dozy -the evening was sultry, the bit of green belonging to the Small- Pox Hospital looked olive-brown, and the million and a half of chimney pots in sight looked red hot, the sun was going down right into Marrowbone Workhouse, and the pregnant moon was ascending out of Spitalfields, two or three stars twinkled coyly behind the Small-Pox Hospital, and three hurdy-gurdies, with a wandering piper, in the street below, imitated the music of the spheres. "'Twas the close of the day, when the city was still, And Cockneys the sweets of forgetfulness prove." I heard light footsteps behind me, and, looking over my left shoulder, I saw that my tumbler was all right; looking over my right shoulder, I first beheld the darling girl, fated to enchain my yet unravished heart, looking over the parapet, her head bonnetless, and her long ringlets, yet uncontaminated by a back comb, hanging in sweet confusion over her alabaster shoulders. I took a chair, and, stepping noiselessly, placed it for her convenience, returned, took my book, and, pretend ing to read, saw only Sophia Jemima Cox. Sophia Jemima turned round -saw the chair-started-looked at me-trembled smiled-blushed bowed her thanks-sat down for an instant, as if to accept my courtesythen starting up hurriedly, was making off at railway pace, when I stopped her, and, begging pardon for the intrusion, hoped she would permit me to retire, that she might enjoy herself the more freely. This produced more bows, smiles, and blushes. Sophia stammered out that she understood a procession was to have passed that way which she wished to see, and I assured her most solemnly that from our roof alone could the procession be seen to advantage. Sophia lamented the want of a head-dress; this difficulty I got over by supplying her fair head with a travelling shawl from my attic-she trembled for the evening air, but my cloak removed all her atmospheric apprehensions. Sophia Jemima sat down, muffled up, to watch the procession, and the procession, as good luck would have it, went another way. As we chatted and sat, the bright eyes of the charming Sophia grew brighter and brighter, the tones of her silver voice sounded sweeter and sweeter; we talked of the even ing, how lovely it was-of the country, how lovely it was- of the moon, how lovely she was; and I thought, as I gazed on Sophia, her open intelligent face bent on the expanded orb above, how lovely-how surpassing lovely she was. We talked of town and its pleasures of society-of friendship. I drew nearer to Sophia -I pressed almost imperceptibly her little hand-and our topic was exalted from friendship to love! She said she had neither brother nor sister-I almost loved her. She was an orphan-I loved her from my heart. She was penniless-I adored her! I presume, to look at, you would not suspect me of a generous emotion. The cold world, and the buffets and kicks it has given a man, who, of his natural temperament, would lift, as he went on his morning's walk, the heedless worm away from the passenger's path, has left on my care-worn face no trace save of the contempt in which I hold the human vermin that rot above the surface of the earth. The expression of my face is degraded to the level of the selfishness of worldlings around me; and the heart that once swelled, and the eyes that once filled, at every song of sorrow, at every tale of woe-the wide wish, that would grasp in its expansive benevolence the whole family of man, and diffuse happiness from pole to pole-that heart, immoveable and cold, now swells only in bitterness and sorrow, and that expansive wish expires in a hearty malediction upon rascality rampant and sycophancy successful! Oh love!-first and passionate love! How delicious to fallen, selfish, and cold-blooded mortals the recollection of that tender emotion of generous youth that unworldly feeling, the riper man affects to despise, and blushes to confess-that sentiment not of the earth earthy-that precious emanation of the Divine Creator himself. How sweet the remembrance that we enjoyed thee once-how sad to think that we descend from the cold world into the silent grave, enjoying thee no more! Let us exult over our |