while in cuftody, and likewife allow him fixpence a bottle for drinking it in his own chamber. Shoulder-dab liften'd to the propofal with pleafure. The bailiff went to the place, as directed, and returned with joy, to hear that it fhould be fent in the morning early. Accordingly it came by a porter, fweating under the load: the Turnkey called to his mafter, and told him the porter and hamper were come in: Very well, fays he, then let nothing but the porter and hamper out. The porter performed his part very well: came heavily in with an empty hamper, and feemed to go lightly out, with Philips on his back. He was dif

hampered at an ale house near the water fide, crofs'd the Thames, and, foon after embarked for Ireland. He was very fond of this trick, and would take pride in his project, which was contrived long before he was taken, to be ready on fuch an emergency.

WH

POETRY.

THE UNIVERSAL REMEDY.

A Tale.

HEN Ignorance pretends to Science,
And bids to common fenfe defiance,

Or when the Arts receive abuse,

Will any one deny their use?

Is there no Juftice in the Laws,
Though a vile pleader has your caufe?
Is Virtue banish'd from the land,

Though Vice fhould lurk beneath a band?
Is there in medicine no fkill,

Though daring Quacks too often kill?
But what from mere remark may fail,

We will illuftrate by a tale.

In London (but 'tis not difcreet To name the very house or street),

In that gay quarter, near the court,
Of pride and wealth the fam'd refort,
There liv'd a fashionable pair,
Happy as modern couples are;
Her virtue was of equal pitch
With the voluptuous and the rich;
His honour was alike fincere ;
A placeman, and a penfioner.

Their time was pafs'd in Pleasure's round,
Where health and peace are never found;
Till, from excefs, the man fell ill :
His cafe requir'd the doctor's skill.
Suppose the husband laid in bed;
A bandage round his aching head.
The fick appendages you fee;
The nurfe, the gruel, and the tea.
The doctor comes: not one whofe knowledge
Is gain'd by study at the college;
Nor one who mildly feeks the cause,
From Nature's prime, unerring laws:
He, without dread, makes furer work;
One dose-in fhort, 'tis Doctor Quirk.

• Good Sir, your hand!-His pulfe is high• His forehead's hot-his tongue is dry!— No appetite, you fay?-Again!

Here is a fever of the brain.

• Delirium would have come to-morrow; And you a widow, drown'd in forrow:

But mark th' effect of human skill;

Dry up your tears: behold this Pill!

The very quinteffence of art!

It flies directly to the part;

Exceeding far what tongue can tell:

You're fick-you swallow-and you're well.
Let this be given to-night at ten :
To-morrow I'll be here again.

No more than this is now expedient.
Madam, my fee!-Your most obedient.

Here poets of renown would chufe
To paufe, and then invoke the mufe;

Inftruct by precept and quotation,
By inference and observation :
But fuch remarks men feldom read;
And fo, without them, we'll proceed.

The common things in order follow:
The fick man took, and feem'd to fwallow;
But dropp'd the Pill within the bed,
And begg'd to rest his fever'd head;
Resolv'd to take more fage advices,
Or wait with patience for a crifis.
Dame Nature (pitying his condition)
For once attended as phyfician;
By copious fweat remov'd his ill,
Without the help of draught or Pill;
And, on the morrow, what surprise !
The good man's well, and fit to rife.

The lady quits her rueful face,

Nor fears for husband-nor his place.

O, miracle!-my wishes fervent

• Attend on Quirk !- Madam, your fervant-

By the gay faces you put on,

I fee we've pafs'd the Rubicon:

My patient then

• Is well t ay;

Let this my gratitude repay!'

Madam, you well extol my knowledge;
And I defy the learned College,

• With all their art, and boafted skill,
To equal my immortal Pill:

The grand Arcanum there you fee;
The Universal Remedy!

• Th' effects you know'

Hold, matchless sage!

• Thou Galen of the prefent age!

I owe my health to Nature's (kill;

Approach, kind Sir-behold your Pill!'

The doctor would have blush'd; but shame

Was what he only knew-by name.

Here is a wonder past belief!

'Here's virtue rare, and strange relief!

My Pill has cur'd your fever'd head,

By only holding it in bed:

Redoubled health and ftrength must follow;
If you this infant gape, and fwallow.

My Pill's the caufe, whate'er you fay for't;
The honour's mine-and

you must pay for't.'

WORDS WITHOUT THOUGHTS,

WITH folded hands and lifted eyes,

"Have mercy, Heaven!" the Parfon cries;

"And on our fun-burnt thirsty plains,

Thy blefling fend in genial rains!" The fermon ended, and the pray'rs, The Parfon to be gone prepares; When with a look of brighten'd fmiles

Thank Heav'n, it rains!" cries Farmer Giles. "Rains!" quoth the Parfon-" Sure you joke! "Rain! Heav'n forbid !-I've got no cloak!"

ANECDOTE OF DR. GOLDSMITH.

THE late Dr. Goldsmith, though one of the first characters in literature, was as great a novice in the common occurrences of life. His own heart perfectly harmlefs, he imagined every man he fat in company with poffeffed of the fame.

The following anecdote will place this obfervation in a proper point of view.

Sitting one evening at the Globe-tavern, Fleetftreet, he called for a mutton chop, which was no fooner placed on the table than a gentleman, with whom he was intimately acquainted, turned up his nofe, and asked how the doctor could fuffer the waiter to place fuch a ftinking chop be fore him. "Stinking!" fays the doctor; "in good truth I don't fmell it." "I never fmelt any thing fo difagreeable in my life, (fays the gentleman): the rascal deferves a caning for being fo heedlefs as to bring you fuch carrion.'

"In

good truth (fays the poet) I think fo too; but I will be lefs fevere in my punishment." He inftantly called the waiter, and after perfuading the poor fellow that the chop ftunk worfe than affafoetida, he infifted as a punishment that he fhould fit down and eat it himself. The waiter argued, but he might as well attempt to beat Charles Macklin out of an opinion; the doctor threatened to knock him down with his cane if he did not immediately comply with the punishment.

When the waiter had fwallowed half of the chop, the doctor gave him a glass of wine, thinking, with his ufual good-nature, it would make the remainder of the fentence lefs painful. When the waiter was done, Goldsmith's friend burst into a horfe laugh. "What in God's name ails you now? fays the poet. "Indeed, my dear friend, I could never think that any man, whose knowledge of letters was fo extenfive as your's, could be fo great a dupe to a ftroke of humour; the chop was as fine a one as I ever faw in my life." "Was it?" fays the doctor, "Then I fhall never give credit to what you fay again; and fo, in good truth, I think I am even with you.

THE Editor is much obliged to his Correfpondent who sent him the Poem, entitled, "The BATTLE of the SEXES."It is evidently too long to be inferted in a fingle Number of the Phoenix; and the Editor would not wish to divide it. As it poffeffes a high degree of merit, he prefumes it will be acceptable to every reader of taste; therefore he intends to publish it foon (in a convenient fize for binding up with the Phoenix) at a very low price.