RETROSPECT,

&c.

SOME ACCOUNT OF THE DIVINE DEALINGS WITH ME, FROM THE TIME OF MY FIRST ENTERING ON THE MINISTERIAL OFFICE AT FAREHAM IN

HAMPSHIRE, JULY 8, 1767.

HAVING received an affectionate and unani

mous call from the Church at Fareham, I considered it deeply; and after deliberate consultation with my friends, and frequent application to a Throne of Grace, from a real desire, I trust, of being taught the will of God, I began to think that Divine Providence had marked out my way, and appointed this place as the centre of my future labours. In consequence of this conclusion, I solemnly renewed the surrender of my all unto the Lord, expressing my fervent desire to be employed successfully in his important service, and was soon after set apart to the ministerial work, by prayer and imposition of hands. Known unto the Lord my God are the views and resolutions with which I entered on these solemn engagements.

I hope, that notwithstanding all the treachery and

wickedness of the heart, my professions were sincere and my motives good.

Oct. 20, 1768.-I paid my addresses to ——, Equally sensible of the importance of such a concern, and of the necessity of Divine direction, we were mutually desirous of referring the whole matter to the will and providence of God; and accordingly agreed to set apart one hour every Tuesday, wherein we should meet (though at a great distance from each other), at the Throne of Grace, to acknowledge God in this our way, and earnestly seek his promised aid. This practice of meeting weekly for the purpose of joint supplication to our Father in heaven, with a determination to follow where and where only he should lead, was continued until Tuesday, June the 20th, 1769, when we were publicly united in the dearest bonds:

a day this, which will, I hope, be recollected with gratitude to God, and with joy to ourselves, through all eternity. I would devoutly praise my God, that he hath provided me with a companion so affectionate, so pious, and every way valuable. This blessing I receive as a pledge of new-covenant love, and derive tenfold satisfaction from it, as flowing from that precious fountain.-Whence is this, O Lord, to me; to one so sinful, so unworthy thy regard!

On the ordinance day following, I preached a sermon on Gen. xxviii. 20, 21, 22; where, solemnly covenanting with the Lord, I gave myself up to

him, and to his service, seriously, cordially, and for ever. O my God, if there be hypocrisy in my heart, discover it to me; but I thank thee, that in this thing, my heart condemneth me not, and I have confidence towards thee. I desire to bless the Lord, that I found much enlargement of heart in the exercise; and this strengthens my hope in him, and in his favourable intentions towards me.-O my God! I would take thee for mySovereign, myGuide, myGuard, my Friend, my Father, my Portion, my all in all. The holy angels, my fellow-worshippers, and my own conscience, are witnesses to my sacramental vows. O Lord, give me thy grace, that I may fulfil them.

1771.

Jan. 1.-The morning of a New-Year's Day, summons my thoughts with all my powers to review the instances of God's wonderful goodness. Wherever I turn mine eyes, my soul is saluted with miracles of mercy. Mercy has darted its benign and reviving rays through the thickest clouds of darkness, sin, and despondency, and graciously scattered its various influences on a guilty worm. Family mercies, health, and friends have been liberally granted. What shall I render to my God for all his benefits. My heart seems to glow with gratitude. May it vent itself in love and obedience! Give me, O give me more grace, more of thine image, more of the holy, the

meek, the loving and heavenly spirit of Jesus! O that, in reviewing the past year, I could reflect on my ministerial service, zeal, and usefulness with greater pleasure! But alas, what abundant cause for humiliation! Though, by the grace of God, I trust that my spirit and conduct have of late more resembled those of a faithful minister of Jesus Christ; yet, O thou Fountain of light and of grace, I feel that I want more wisdom, and courage, and stedfastness, and activity in thy cause, more of the power of godliness in my own soul. O for the destruction of this idol self! I groan under it continually: I long for deliverance. May I ever remember, that in my own sinful nature, I am nothing but pride, ignorance, and sin! The gifts and graces I am at any time enabled to discover, the light with which I shine, are all borrowed. Help me, O thou Sun of Righteousness, help me to give thee all the glory. If thou shouldest ever give me success this great work of the ministry, may all the powers of my soul say, "Be thou exalted in thine own strength, so will I praise thee!"-Thy pardoning mercy, O my God, I implore, through the merits of my adorable Jesus; and to thy service, thy glory, I solemnly devote myself this day. Lord, thou knowest all things, thou knowest I would serve thee better. O prepare me to glorify thy name; and if it be consistent with thy glory, hear the earnest petitions of thy servant, and cause the work of the

Lord to prosper in his hands! Let me, O let me do something for thee! Amen, and amen.-James Bowden.

Jan. 27.-For about eight months past, I have been under a very painful and trying exercise of mind, respecting the little apparent success attending my ministry. My spirit has been greatly bowed down on this account, and my body not a little worn by the sorrowful reflection.-Blessed be God, who has at length been pleased in some measure to relieve my anxiety, and give me more composure and satisfaction of mind. I see, and blessed be his Name that I do see, a propriety and beauty in this his dispensation towards me. O my soul, with all thy powers, adore the grace therein discovered. "He is indeed a God of judgment: blessed are all they that wait for him."

The following, as well as I can recollect, were the steps whereby the Lord was pleased to bring about my enlargement.

1st. He led me to see, that while I so earnestly desired success in my ministry, there was too great a mixture of self-seeking in the principle which influenced that desire. Though I had a view to the glory of God in the desire, I found my eye was not single; that I thought too much of my own honour therein. This led me to lament, and to cry most fervently for the graces of simplicity and godly sincerity.