CHAP. I.

Containing the Exordium, &c.

THE various accidents which befel a very worthy couple, after their uniting in the state of matrimony, will be the subject of the following history. The distresses which they waded through were some of them so exquisite, and the incidents which produced these so extraordinary, that they seemed to require not only the utmost malice, but the utmost invention which superstition hath ever attributed to Fortune: though whether any such being interfered in the case, or, indeed, whether there be any such being in the universe, is a matter which I by no means presume to determine in the affirmative. To speak a bold truth, I am, after much mature deliberation, inclined to suspect, that the public voice hath, in all ages, done much injustice to Fortune, and hath convicted her of many facts in which she had not the least concern. I question much whether we may not, by natural means, account for the success of knaves, the calamities of fools, with all the miseries in which men of sense sometimes involve themselves by quitting the directions of prudence, and following the blind guidance of a predominant passion; in short, for all the ordinary phænomena which are imputed to Fortune, whom, perhaps, men accuse with no less absurdity in life, than a bad player complains of ill luck at the game of chess.

But if men are sometimes guilty of laying improper blame on this imaginary being, they are altogether as apt to make her amends, by ascribing to her honours which she as little deserves. To retrieve the ill consequences of a foolish conduct, and by struggling manfully with distress to subdue it, is one of the noblest efforts of wisdom and virtue. Whoever, therefore, calls such

a man fortunate, is guilty of no less impropriety in speech, than he would be who should call the statuary or the poet fortunate, who carved a Venus, or who writ an Iliad.

Life may as properly be called an art as any other; and the great incidents in it are no more to be considered as mere accidents, than the several members of a fine statue, or a noble poem. The critics in all these are not content with seeing any thing to be great, without knowing why and how it came to be so. By examining carefully the several gradations which conduce to bring every model to perfection, we learn truly to know that science in which the model is formed: as histories of this kind, therefore, may properly be called models of HUMAN LIFE, so by observing minutely the several incidents which tend to the catastrophe or completion of the whole, and the minute causes whence those incidents are produced, we shall best be instructed in this most useful of all arts, which I call THE ART Of Life.

CHAP. II.

The History sets out. Observations on the excellency of the English Constitution, and curious examinations before a Justice of Peace.

On the 1st of April, in the year —, the watchmen of a certain parish, (I know not particularly which,) within the liberties of Westminster, brought several persons, whom they had apprehended the preceding night, before Jonathan Thrasher, Esq., one of the justices of the peace for that liberty.

But here, reader, before we proceed to the trials of these offenders, we shall, after our usual manner, premise some things which it may be necessary for thee to know.

It hath been observed, I think, by many, as well as the celebrated writer of Three Letters,

that no human institution is capable of consummate perfection; an observation which, perhaps, that writer at least gathered from discovering some defects in the policy even of this well-regulated nation. And, indeed, if there should be any such defect in a constitution which my Lord Coke long ago told us, "the wisdom of all the wise men in the world, if they had all met together at one time, could not have equalled;" which some of our wisest men, who were met together long before, said, was too good to be altered in any particular; and which, nevertheless, hath been mending ever since, by a very great number of the said wise men: if, I say, this constitution should be imperfect, we may be allowed, I think, to doubt whether any such faultless model can be found among the institutions of men.

It will probably be objected, that the small imperfections which I am about to produce, do not lie in the laws themselves, but in the ill execution of them; but, with submission, this appears to me to be no less an absurdity, than to say of any machine that it is excellently made, though incapable of performing its functions. Good laws should execute themselves in a wellregulated state: at least, if the same legislature which provides the laws, doth not provide for the execution of them, they act as Graham would do, if he should perform all the parts of a clock in the most exquisite manner, yet put them so together that the clock could not go. In this case, surely, we might say, that there was a small defect in the constitution of the clock.

To say the truth, Graham would soon see the fault, and would easily remedy it. The fault, indeed, could be no other, than that the parts were improperly disposed.

Perhaps, reader, I have another illustration, which will set my intention in still a clearer light before you. Figure to yourselves, then, a family, the master of which should dispose of the several œconomical offices in the following manner, viz. should put his butler in the coach box, his steward behind his coach, his coachman in the butlery, and his footman in the stewardship, and in the same ridiculous manner should misemploy the talents of every other servant; it is easy to see what a figure such a family must make in the world.

As ridiculous as this may seem, I have often considered some of the lower offices in our civil government to be disposed in this very manner. To begin, I think, as low as I well can, with the watchmen in our metropolis; who being to guard our streets by night from thieves and robbers, an office which at least requires strength of body, are chosen out of those poor old decrepit people, who are, from their want of bodily strength, rendered incapable of getting a livelihood by work. These men, armed only with a pole, which some of them are scarce able to lift, are to secure the persons and houses of

his majesty's subjects from the attacks of gangs of young, bold, stout, desperate, and well-armed villains.

Quæ non viribus istis Munera conveniunt.

If the poor old fellows should run away from such enemies, no one, I think, can wonder, unless it be that they were able to make their escape.

The higher we proceed among our public officers and magistrates, the less defects of this kind will, perhaps, be observable. Mr Thrasher, however, the justice before whom the prisoners above mentioned were now brought, had some few imperfections in his magistratical capacity. I own I have been sometimes inclined to think, that this office of a justice of peace requires some knowledge of the law; for this simple reason, because in every case which comes before him, he is to judge and act according to law. Again, as these laws are contained in a great variety of books, the statutes which relate to the office of a justice of peace making of themselves at least two large volumes in folio, and that part of his jurisdiction which is founded on the common law being dispersed in above a hundred volumes, I cannot conceive how this knowledge should be acquired without reading; and yet it is certain Mr Thrasher never read one syllable of the matter.

This, perhaps, was a defect; but this was not all for where mere ignorance is to decide a point between two litigants, it will always be an even chance whether it decides right or wrong: but sorry am I to say, right was often in a much worse situation than this, and wrong hath often had five hundred to one on his side before that magistrate; who, if he was ignorant of the law of England, was yet well versed in the laws of nature. He perfectly well understood that fundamental prínciple so strongly laid down in the institutes of the learned Rochefaucault, by which the duty of self-love is so strongly enforced, and every man is taught to consider himself as the centre of gravity, and to attract all things thither. To speak the truth plainly, the justice was never indifferent in a cause, but when he could get nothing on either side.

Such was the justice, to whose tremendous bar Mr Gotobed the constable, on the day above mentioned, brought several delinquents, who, as we have said, had been apprehended by the watch for diverse outrages.

The first who came upon his trial was as bloody a spectre as ever the imagination of a murderer or a tragic poet conceived. This poor wretch was charged with a battery, by a much stouter man than himself. Indeed, the accused person bore about him some evidence that he had been in an affray, his clothes being very bloody; but certain open sluices on his own head sufficient