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the last proof of his parental feeling, by kicking me out of doors, which I have never since entered ;-but let me not anticipate.

I was first introduced to all the pleasures and pains that mortal flesh is heir to, on New-year's-day, which implies, at least, a probability that I had been begotten on the first of April: whether this had any influence on my brain, I shall leave philosophers and metaphysicians to decide. The annals of the first three years of my life present nothing worthy of recording; besides, as I wish to speak from my own knowledge, if I ever recollected any events of that period, they are now faded from my memory. It may, however, be necessary to mention, that my parents gave me the name of Gilbert, to which I have since added the surname of Greenwood. Having been preceded by two brothers, and before I had completed my first year, my mother giving me the felicity of having a sister, I ran no great risk of being a spoiled child. Indeed, both parents had at my birth been rather displeased with me, for what I have never been able to consider myself in any degree responsible; namely, because I was not of the feminine gender, that being the sex upon which both had set their hearts. The birth of my sister still farther operated on the thermometer of their affection to me, which, at its highest point, had never been beyond temperate, generally below; and by the time my sister could lisp "pa" and ma," it had sunk nearly to the freezing point. I could speak these endearing appellations much plainer, and could clasp my father's knees and my mother's neck as fondly; but, somehow, my efforts did not meet the same return; and I soon began to pine in discontent, when I saw my sister almost smothered with maternal kisses, and dandled in my father's arms, while I stood neglected, or was perhaps scolded from the parlour. From my earliest recollection, I was left almost solely to the care of servants, and, except the housemaids, had no other companions; for by some unlucky chance, my brothers and I could never agree; they always assumed something resembling aristocratical superiority,

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while I was for democratical equality.

David, my eldest brother, was a tall, lubberly coward, but proud and irrascible, never, for a moment, forgetting his right of primogeniture ; he then appeared, what he has since proved, rather of obtuse intellect. His brother Peter was of a delicate, and, I believe, infirm constitution; seldom in good health, which made him fretful, peevish, and unhappy : perhaps the parents nursed and promoted the wayward dispositions of both, by foolish and injudicious fondness; the one, because he was their first born, and the other on account of his sickly constitution. Most firmly do I still believe, that my parents erred in both extremes, for my brothers were spoiled by indulgence, while I was injured by neglect; and that they also laid the foundation of that early dislike which subsisted between my brothers and me, which seemed to

"Grow with our growth, and strengthen with our strength."

When we met in the parlour, for childish sport, David insisted upon having every thing his own way, and if this was not instantly granted, like Achilles, he became sullen, and withdrew in a pet: Peter, again, would cry at a chance fall, or the most trivial contradiction; till I was kicked from the parlour to the kitchen, like the scape-goat to the wilderness, for the faults of others.

I ought, perhaps, to have mentioned, that there might have been another reason for the dislike of my parents: I had, and still have, a peculiar cast of countenance, the reverse of an Adonis, which was still farther heightened by a most remarkable squint with my right eye; and it is among my earliest recollections of my father's uncle, from England, visiting my paternal roof; he looked at me with intense curiosity, would give me sweetmeats from his pocket, stare full in my face, and then place me so as to have a profile view of my countenance. This was done in the presence of my parents; after which, he laughingly asked my mother if she had ever been either in London or Paris? With much simplicity, she answered "No."

"Did she ever see John Wilkes?" (then in the zenith of his civic and political fame ;) she again answered in the negative; inquiring his reason for these extraordinary questions. "Because," said he, your son, whom I delight to look on, is the very picture of that celebrated patriot!"

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My father believed himself a politician; and if he hated any man who had never injured him, it was John Wilkes, whom his uncle had pronounced a celebrated patriot. This he attributed to his loyalty, although I have since discovered that it proceeded from some attachment to Lord Bute. “Like that scoundrel!" exclaimed my father; "I would as soon hear you say he is like the Grand Turk !" "And he may be a very respectable man, and a goodlooking personage for aught I know," replied the uncle. A dispute now took place, which I was not of an age to understand; but I can recollect that it was continued till both got angry; for my father's breath failed him, which it always did when in a rage, and my uncle's face reddened like the gills of the turkeycock in the yard when I provoked him with a stick. My uncle was a rich old bachelor, and had come down intending to pass some weeks of the summer with us; but the conversation about Wilkes was renewed next day at breakfast; at dinner they fought their battle o'er again ;" and the result was, that uncle took his departure next morning. After he was gone, I went up to my father to shew him a bird which had been given me by a servant; but he stamped with his foot, and, with a frown which I have not yet forgotten, cried, "Get out of my sight, you ugly brat! you are a disgrace to the family!" I did not then understand this; but I felt that every day after I was less welcome to the presence of both my parents.

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In about a year after, my father received a letter from his uncle, thanking him for having been the cause of greater happiness than ever he had expected to enjoy, for he was now blessed with a fond and affectionate wife, who had made him the whom happy father of an infant son,

he had named John Wilkes. My father, glancing at me with the glare of a tiger, exclaimed, " Vile wretch! you have cost the family at least ten thousand pounds!" I have since understood that this was the supposed amount of my uncle's fortune, and that my father calculated upon being his heir; I was deemed the cause of their quarrel, which had induced the old man to marry, and I became almost odious in the sight of my parents. This incident, I believe, had an influence on my future fate, and has since been the source of much deliberate and serious thought to me;-the heaviest consequences of the quarrel fell on me, although I have never been able to convince myself that I was not the most innocent of all concerned.

It was now seldom that I was permitted to enter the parlour; and my reception when there had no tendency to make me regret the prohibition; for my father kept harping about my ugly countenance, and my mother upbraided me with my awkward manners and vulgar language, forgetting that both were copied from those with whom their unkindness had doomed me to as

sociate.

In proportion as I was an object of dislike up stairs, I became a favourite in the kitchen, the dairy, and stables; for I could curse and swear in a style that the groom said did his heart good to hear, and he pronounced me a most promising boy; he had also taught me several words and phrases, of which I knew not the meaning, although I heard them often used by him and his companions. I, however, happened to utter some of them in the hearing of the maid-servants; they called me a little devil; but I observed that they laughed to each other; they knew my temper to be such, that a prohibition was the readiest method of making me repeat them, which I did, till I saw that they liked to hear them, for they kissed and fondled me after I had thus dared to disobey them; and I soon discovered, that if I had a favour to solicit from them, the repetition of these cabalistical words was like AliBaba's "Open, Sesame," which gave me the command of both cupboard

and dairy, always putting the girls in such good humour that they could deny me nothing. Although in the fifth year of my age, I yet slept with one of the maids, a giddy, buxom wench, who delighted in romping with the men-servants; she had a peculiar pleasure in hearing me speak what was to me an unknown tongue; and under her tutelage, with my daily visits to the stables, my vocabulary was every day in creasing, till I became the delight of every menial on the establishment.

I did not yet know my letters; but, exclusive of the qualifications already mentioned, I could play at blind-man's-buff and blind trumps, in the kitchen; pitch-and-toss in the stable-yard; romp with the maids; and wrestle a fall, or box with any boy in the neighbouring village, although several years older; for I had been taught wrestling and pugilism, scientifically, by my good friends of the stable. I was the ready messenger and faithful confidant of the twilight assignations which took place between my friends of different sexes; and my presence was never considered as an interruption to their romping freedoms, so that I had already more unblushing confidence-why should I not say forward impudence-than most boys of double my age. I was also expert in cunning, could tell a lie with an easy grace, and bear a cross-examination without contradicting my self. By the means already mentioned, I knew how to obtain curds and cream, and laid both dairy and pantry under contribution as often as I pleased.

I was now sent to a day-school, in a village about half a mile distant. Marion Skae, the governess of this Lyceum, was a vestal, if not of youthful loveliness, at least of virgin purity. She had been often heard to affirm, that this was her own deliberate choice, although others attributed it to the Parcae who presided over her destiny. Be this as it may, her personal attractions, even in her youthful bloom, had been of a peculiar, and rather uncommon kind. When, like some bipeds of the feathered creation, she stood upon one leg, she might have passed muster for a grenadier; but Nature

had left her work imperfect; and when Marion set both feet to the ground, her altitude was many inches less, besides making her lean considerably from the perpendicular : like myself, she had a most bewitching squint with one eye, and the other was constantly distilling a scalding rheum. If there had ever been roses on her cheeks, they had faded before I had the pleasure of seeing her; but the thorns still remained, and stood thick and prominent, black and bristling, on her chin. A large black mole decorated the centre of her arched nose, which was hooked like a hawk's bill; her lips were thin, and, like her cheeks, skinny, parched, and wrinkled; her teeth had never been drilled into symmetrical order; many had now deserted their posts, and, by an inveterate custom of smoking tobacco, the few that remained appeared in the garb of mourning, perhaps for their companions who had fallen or been disabled in the service. There was something almost appalling in her cadaverous complexion; and her dingy tresses, interspersed with grey, floated on a long and scraggy neck, in colour much resembling a parchment charter granted some centuries ago; her voice resembled the hoarse croaking of the raven; and there was something so fascinating in her guttural pronunciation, that I soon imitated her with great success. Her only sensual enjoyments, as far as I could ever learn, were drinking strong tea and smoking tobacco; and her sole companions, exclusive of her pupils, were a green parrot and tortoise-shell cat; this last generally lay purring on her lap, ready to munch a bit of cheese, or any other delicacy, which often proved a peaceoffering from some idle or roguish urchin, propitiating the rising wrath of Marion. The parrot's cage was suspended in another apartment, that its loquacity might not interrupt the school exercises; but after their lessons, favourite pupils were permitted to retire, and hold a confabulation with pretty Poll, as a relaxation from their studies.

When I stood up beside her to my lesson, a suppressed titter went round the room, for she squinted with one eye, and I with another; and botli

our looks seemed averted, when we were staring each other full in the face. I had, as already mentioned, learned to imitate her pronunciation, which perhaps she considered mimickry and mocking, and I, therefore, was no favourite. There was perhaps another reason; I was wayward, self-willed, and practised many little roguish tricks, any one of which, although per se trivial, by continued repetition, or taken in the aggregate with its companions, was rather too much for Marion's philosophy. During the first year of my scholarship, not a week elapsed in which I did not experience one or more castigations, which were the more severely administered, as the dame was mortified to find that she could never extract a tear from my eyes. When I went home at night, the occurrences of the school served to amuse my friends in the kitchen, who now became my counsellors, teaching me many tricks, for teasing and plaguing the school-mistress, whom I neither loved nor feared. I shall relate one or two of my feats at this seminary, as they followed one another in a consecutive series, and ultimately led to my expulsion.

There was a small lake behind the village, where we amused ourselves on the ice in winter. I procured some bird lime and walnut-shells, and one day, at noon, by the help of some confederates, decoyed the Tom cat till we shod him with the shells, put him in a bag, and carried him to the ice, set him down, and amused ourselves with his tumbling and sprawling, for he could neither run nor walk. The tale was soon told to Marion, who hurried out to the rescue of her favourite; but she durst not approach us, but stood fretting on the margin of the lake, while our shouts of laughter were echoing both loud and long; our mirth maddened her into fury, and she brandished her crutch in impotent rage. When tired of the sport, we conveyed the trembling animal on shore, released him from his pattens, when he was carried home in the arms of his mistress. A strict investigation took place; I was informed upon as the primum mobile of the whole, and a severe flagellation was the conscquence.

As Grimalkin had been only teased and frightened, without receiving any injury, I conceived myself unjustly punished, and accordingly meditated sweet revenge; and soon after, by the aid of a friendly hint, hit upon the following expedient: when Marion smoked a pipe, she always knocked out the ashes, and instantly filled it, to be ready for the next discharge, placing it on a little shelf on the chimney. While warming myself at the fire, I contrived to secrete the pipe, and retiring to the apartment where there was no witness, except the parrot, and which I believed could not bear evidence against me, I introduced what I conceived a full charge of gunpowder, covered it up with the tobacco, and placing my Congreve rocket in statu quo, retired to my seat, impatient for the catastrophe, reckless whether it proved tragical or comical. The dame, who had forborne her accustomed whiff longer than usual, at last took her seat at the fire, called me up to read my lesson at her elbow, and began to light her pipe. Aware of my danger, I was far from easy, but durst neither quit my post nor exhibit any signs of alarm; but I was not long kept in suspense; the explosion soon took place the bowl of the pipe was shivered in innumerable pieces, which flew in all directions; one of them came against my cheek with a projectile force, which fixed it deep in the flesh, and was not extracted till the dairy-maid performed that office in the evening; the scar still remains, as an evidence of my early folly. When I looked up, Goody's cap was in a blaze; however, she had presence of mind to throw up her worsted apron, and drawing it closely around her head, soon extinguished the flame. The bursting of a bombshell in a fortress could not have produced greater astonishment and alarm than the sudden explosion did among the terrified urchins. Marion's mind was, however, as masculine as her form; she neither fainted nor went into hysterics; but after recovering from her panic, a moment's reflection convinced her that the accident had been produced by gunpowder, and her suspicion rested on me as the incendiary. I was aware that this

would be the case, but having no confederate, I considered detection impossible. Without saying a word, she came slily behind me, laid me on the floor, and holding me down with the grasp of an amazon, order ed my pockets to be searched. I had foolishly retained my superfluous stock of ammunition; it was produced, and my conviction was complete. She calmly ordered me to my seat, and proceeded in the routine of her duty, although I could see a settled gloom on her countenance; this I considered as the harbinger of an approaching storm, which I believed would be the more dreadful, on account of the calm by which it was preceded. It was the first time she had ever been able to inspire me with any feeling resembling fear, but I certainly did now feel a presentiment of impending danger. However, we were dismissed for the day, without any notice having been taken of my delinquency. I went exultingly home, and was, with great glee, retailing my exploit to the maids, who were laughing and holding their sides, when I was summoned to the parlour. This was something unusual, and I went with a kind of boding reluctance. On my entrance, the first sight I beheld was the school-mistress; she was set at one side of the room, and my father at the other, with the fragment of the burnt cap and my packet of gunpowder on the table. I comprehended the whole; my fortitude was shaken, while my flushed cheek and quivering lip bore evidence against me, before a word had been uttered. The charge was made; I knew the evidence was strong, and that denial would avail nothing, and therefore stood in obstinate silence. In a tone which I had never dared to disobey, my father ordered me to strip instantly; with nerveless fingers I undid button after button, and at length stood before him naked from the loins upward: brandishing a whip over my head, he demanded an instant confession of my guilt; still I stood sullen and silent, but a smart application of the whip soon produced full confession. He now seized me by the arm, and plied the instrument of vengeance so severely, that, although I despised to cry, I sprung from the

floor at every stroke, and absolutely bit my tongue through in the agony I endured. Laying down the whip, he now ordered me to kneel before Mrs Skae, and beg her pardon, promising to be a good boy in time coming. She had looked on with savage satisfaction during my flagellation; and thus to humble myself before her was what went sadly against my stomach, and I stood trembling with mingled agony of mind and body, naked and bleeding, looking at her with stern defiance; however, a fresh application of the whip subdued my haughty spirit, and after half a dozen of strokes more severe than any of the preceding, I crawled to her chair, fell on my knees, muttered some expressions of contrition and promises of submission in future, to all of which my heart gave the lie, for already was it meditating revenge; she held out her withered hand for me to kiss, and I know not the substance in nature I would not have preferred coming in contact with my lips, yet I was forced to submit. Although not the first, this was the severest whipping I had ever got from my father. The apathy, or rather savage delight, with which Marion Skae witnessed my chastisement, stung me deeper than the wounds on my lacerated back; and had I not imagined her too despicable for my hatred, she should have had it in full measure; but I contented myself with honouring her with my contempt, although that did not allay my desire of revenge. I recollected the promise extorted by my father, or rather by the whip with which he was armed; but with a casuistry, similar to that of Hudibras, argued with myself, that

He that imposes an oath makes it; Not he that for convenience takes it. I was afraid that she would have refused to take me back as a scholar, and thereby have deprived me of that vengeance for which my heart panted; no such proposition being made, I returned to school next day, where I was received with a fondness which Marion had never before shewn to me. Whether this was hypocrisy, or if she relented and felt contrition for the sufferings she had caused me, I know not, but I certainly despised her the more for the kindness she

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