Se envious tongues their foul intention hide; Of all the follies which men are apt to fall into, to the disturbance of others and lessening of themselves, there is none more intolerable than continual egotism, and a perpetual inclination to self-panegyric. The mention of this weakness is sufficient to expose it; since, I think, no man was ever possessed of so warm an affection for his own person, as deliberately to assert that it and its concerns are proper topics to entertain company. Yet there are many who, through want of attention, fall into this vein, as soon as the conversation begins to acquire life; they lay hold of every opportunity of introdu cing themselves, of describing themselves, and, if people are so dull as not to take the hint, of coinmending themselves; nay, what is more surprising than all this, they are amazed at the coldness of their auditor, forgetting that the same passion inspires almost every body; and that there is scarce a man in the room who has not a better opinion of himself than of any body else. Disquisitions of this sort into human nature bebong properly unto sages in Polite Philosophy; for the first principle of true politeness is not to offend against such dispositions of the mind as are almost inseparable from our species. To find out and methodize these requires no small labour and application. The fruits of my researches on this subject, I communicate freely to the public; but must, at the same time, exhort my readers to spare now and then a few minutes to such reflections; which will at least be attended with this good consequence, that it will open a scene which hath novelty (that powerful charm) to recommend it. But I must beware of growing serious again-I am afraid my gravity may have disobliged some of the beau monde already. He who intends t'advise the young and gay, Must quit the common road-the formal way Let persons tell what dreadful ills will fall Be damn'd hereafter to be laugh'd at here? It cannot be expected from me that I should particularly criticise on all the foibles through which men are offensive to others in their behaviour; perhaps, too, a detail of this kind, however exact, might be thought tedious; it may be construed into a breach of those rules, for a strict observance of which I contend. In order, therefore, to diversify a subject which can be no other way treated agreeably, permit me to throw together a set of characters I once had the opportunity of seeing, who will afford a just picture of these Marplots in conversation, and which my readers, if they please, may call the Assembly of Impertinents. There was once a coffee-house in that end of the town where I lodged some time ago, at which several gentlemen used to meet of an evening, who from a happy correspondence in their humours and capacities, entertained one another agreeably from the close of the afternoon till it was time to go to bed. About six months this society subsisted with great regularity, though without any restraint. Every gentleman who had frequented the house, and con versed with the rectors of this occasional club, were invited to pass an evening, when they thought fit, in a room one pair of stairs, set apart for that purpose. The report of this meeting drew, one night when I had the honour of being there, three gentlemen of distinction, who were so well known to most of the members, that admittance could not be refused them. One of them, whom I choose to call Major Ramble, turned of three-score, and who had an excellent education, seized the discourse about an hour before supper, and gave us a very copious account of the remarks he had made in three years? travels through Italy. He began with a geographical description of the dominions of his Sardinian Majesty as Duke of Savoy; and, after a digression on the fortifications of Turin, in speaking of which he showed himself a perfect engineer, he proceeded to the secret history of the match with Portugal, to the abdication of King Victor Amadeus. After this he ran over the general history of Milan, Parma, and Modena; dwelt half an hour on the adventures of the late Duke of Mantua; gave us a hasty sketch of the court of Rome; transferred himself from thence to the kingdom of Naples; repeated the insurrection of Massanielo; and at a quarter before ten, finished his observations with the recital of what happened at the reduction of that kingdom to the obedience of the present Emperors. What contributed to make this conduct of his.the. more out of the way was, that every gentleman in the room had been in Italy as well as he; and one of them, who was a merchant, was the very person at whose house the Major resided when at Naples. Possibly he might imagine, the knowledge he had in those things might give them a great relish for his animadversions; or, to speak more candidly, the desire of displaying his own parts buried every other circumstance in oblivion.-Just as the Major had done speaking, a gentleman called for a glass of water, and happened to say, after drinking it, that he found his constitution much amended, since he left off malt-liquour. Doctor Hectic, another of the strangers, immediately laid hold of this opportunity, and gave us a large account of the virtue of water; confirming whatever he advanced from the works of the most eminent physicians. From the main subject, he made an easy transition to medicinal baths and springs. Nor were his researches bounded by our own country; he condescended to acquaint us with the properties of the springs of Bourbon; particularized the genuine smell of Spa water; applauded the wonderful effects of Piermont mineral: and, like a true patriot, wound up his disquisitions with preferring Astrop wells (within three miles of which he was born) to them all. It was now turned of eleven; when the Major and Doctor took their leaves, and went away together in a hackney-coach. The company seemed inclinable to extend their usual time of sitting, in order to divert themselves after their night's fatigue. When Mr. Paphilic, the third new comer, after two or three severe reflections on the addity of some people's humours, who were for imposing their own idle conceits as things worthy the attention of a whole company; though at the same time, their subjects are trivial, and their manner of treating them insipid; for my part,' continued he, gentlemen, most people do me the honour to say, that few people understand medals better than I do. To put the musty stories of these queer old men out of our heads, I'll give you the history of a valuable medallion, which was sent me about three weeks ago from Venice.' Without staying for any further remark of approbation than silence, he entered immediately on a long disserta tion; in which he had scarcely proceeded ten minutes before his auditors, losing all patience, followed the example of an old Turkey merchant, who, taking up his hat and gloves, went directly down stairs, without saying a word Animadversions on what I have related, would but trespass on the patience of my reader; wherefore, in place of them, let me offer a few remarks in verse; where my genius may be more at liberty, and vivacity atone for want of method. Who would not choose to shun the gen'ral scorn Your copious speech with every grace abound Ere your tir'd hearers put impatience on, K |