"Why, fool!" the miller said, "Bet hath a hump!
And then her nose !-the nose of my old pump.
"I know it," quoth the tinker, know it well."

66

"Her face," quoth Grist, "is freckled, wrinkled flat;
Her mouth as wide as that of my tom cat:

And then she squints a thousand ways at once-
Her waist a corkscrew; and her hair how red!
A downright bunch of carrots on her head-
Why, what the deuce has got into thy sconce ?"

66

"No deuce is in my sconce," rejoined the tinker;
But, sir, what's that to you, if fine I think her ?"
"Why, man," quoth Grist, "she's fit to make a show,
And therefore sure I am that thou must banter."
"Miller," replied the tinker, “right, for know,
'Tis for that very thing, a show, I want her."

THE SONG OF THE SEASON.

H. SUTHERLAND EDWARDS.

[As a hard-working journalist and musical critic, Mr. Edwards occupies a foremost position on the London Press.]

AT ten o'clock your maid awakes you,

You breakfast when she's done your hair,
At twelve the groom arrives and takes you
In Rotten Row to breathe the air.
From twelve to one you ride with vigour,
Your horse how gracefully you sit!
Your habit, too, shows off your figure,
As all your cavaliers admit.

One other habit I could mention—

I hope your feelings won't be hurt ;-
But you receive so much attention

I sometimes fancy you're a flirt.

Of course you're not annoyed, I merely would indite
Your life as you lead it by day and night.

At two you've lunch, at three it's over,
And visitors in shoals arrive;
Admirers many, perhaps a lover-
Your next event is tea at five,
At six o'clock you go out driving
From Grosvenor to Albert Gate,
To occupy yourself contriving

Till dinner-time comes round at eight
Each hour as now the night advances

Some fresh attraction with it brings,
A concert followed by some dances,

The opera if Patti sings.

Of course you're not, &c.

At twelve you waltz, at one you've leisure
To try some chicken and champagne ;
At two you do yourself the pleasure
Of starting off to waltz again;
At three your partners hate each other,
You scarcely know which loves you best,
Emotion you have none to smother,
But lightly with them all you jest.
At four your chaperon gives warning
That it is really time to go;

You wish good night, and say, next morning
At twelve you'll meet them in the Row.
Of course you're not, &c.

My darling, you're so very pretty,
I've often thought, upon my life,
That it would be a downright pity
To look upon you as a wife;
I don't think your ideas of marriage
With those of many would accord;
The opera, horses and a carriage

Are things so few men can afford.
And then you need so much devotion,
To furnish it who would not try?
But each would find it, I've a notion,
Too much for one man to supply.

Of course you're not, &c.
(By permission of the Author.)

A PRACTICAL LESSON IN ANCIENT HISTORY.

MAX ADELER.

[Max Adeler is among the latest, though not least popular, of American humorists. His chief works are "Out of the Hurly-Burly," "ElbowRoom," "Random Shots," and "Transformations."]

MR. BARNES, the master, read in the Educational Monthly that boys could be taught history better than in any other way by letting each boy in the class represent some historical character, and relate the acts of that character as if he had done them himself. This struck Barnes as a mighty good idea, and he resolved to put it in practice. The school had then progressed so far in its study of the history of Rome as the Punic wars, and Mr. Barnes immediately divided the boys into two parties, one Romans and the other Carthaginians, and certain of the boys were named after the

leaders upon both sides. All the boys thought it was a fine thing, and Barnes noticed that they were so anxious to get to the history lesson that they could hardly say their other lessons properly.

When the time came, Barnes ranged the Romans upon one side of the room and the Carthaginians on the other. The recitation was very spirited, each party telling about its deeds with extraordinary unction. After a while Barnes asked a Roman to describe the battle of Cannæ, whereupon the Romans hurled their copies of Wayland's Moral Science at the enemy. Then the Carthaginians made a battering-ram out of a bench and jammed it among the Romans, who retaliated with volleys of books, slates and chewed paper-balls. Barnes concluded that the battle of Cannæ had been sufficiently illustrated, and he tried to stop it; but the warriors considered it too good a thing to let drop, and accordingly the Carthaginians dashed over to the Romans with another batteringram, and thumped a couple of them savagely.

When the Romans turned in, and the fight became general, a Carthaginian would grasp a Roman by the hair and hustle him around over the desk in a manner that was simply frightful, and a Roman would give a fiendish whoop and knock a Carthaginian over the head with Greenleaf's arithmetic. Hannibal got the head of Scipio Africanus under his arm, and Scipio, in his efforts to break away, stumbled, and the two generals fell and had a rough-and-tumble fight under the blackboard. Caius Gracchus prodded Hamilcar with a ruler, and the latter, in his struggles to get loose, fell against the stove and knocked down about thirty feet of stove-pipe. Thereupon the Romans made a grand rally, and in five minutes they chased the entire Carthaginian army out of the schoolroom, and Barnes along with it; and then they locked the door and began to hunt up the apples and lunch in the desks of the enemy.

After consuming the supplies they went to the windows and made disagreeable remarks to the Carthaginians, who were standing in the yard, and dared old Barnes to bring the foe once more into battle array. Then Barnes went for a policeman; and when he knocked at the door, it was opened, and all the Romans were found busy studying their lessons. When Barnes came in with the defeated troops he went for Scipio Africanus; and pulling him out of his seat by the ear, he thrashed that great military genius with a rattan until Scipio began to cry, whereupon Barnes dropped him and began to paddle Caius Gracchus. Then things settled down in the old way, and next morning Barnes announced that history in future would be studied as it always had been; and he wrote a note to the Educational Monthly to say that, in his opinion, the man who suggested the new system ought to be led out and shot. The boys do not now take as much interest in Roman history as they did on that day.

THE END.

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