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of Pittie Harbeventh Marwickshire?

Published by T. Chapman 154, Fleet Street Jan:"311798.

THE

Evangelical Magazine,

FOR FEBRUARY, 1798.

THE

INTERESTING EXPERIENCE OF EUTYCHUS.

Extracted from a Letter to the Rev. A. D. of Airdrie, and by him communicated to the Editor.

I

SIR,

SHALL attempt to answer your queftions refpecting my views of religion at different periods of my life.-First, you enquire what views I had of religion, before I was brought to a ferious confideration of my ftate? Here, my answer might be very short, for I may truly fay, I never had any ferious thoughts about it.

In my early years, when under the infpection of my parents, I had more the appearance of religion, than I had for a great while after; for they ftudied, both by precept and example, to recommend it to me, and I, in fome meafure, was obliged to obey, and to imitate. But this was a burden to me; for I had neither knowledge of God, nor of myself, and I had certainly lefs thought of ferious things than most who are brought up in a land of gofpel light. Yet fometimes, when I was afflicted, I fhewed an apparent defire to feek God.-Sometimes, I had convictions of fin, when hearing the word preached or read; but had an art of ftifling convictions, or of difmiffing them till a more convenient feason, thinking that it was as yet too foon to trouble myfelf with religion. I faw no beauty nor comeliness in Chrift; and was as ignorant of the nature and neceffity of regeneration as Nicodemus poffibly could be: yea, fo ignorant of the extent of the holy law of God, that I thought I could enter into life by keeping the commandments. When at any time I was obliged to confefs that in fome things I had failed, I then had recourfe to the mercy of God, thinkVOL. VI.

G

ing'

ing he would not fail to fhew mercy to one who had done fo much as I had.

From the time I left my father's houfe, when I was about fifteen years of age, till I was thirty, I lived, I may say, entirely prayerlefs. When challenged by confcience for ncglecting family worship, I excufed myfelf,---I was bathful and had not a talent of utterance: nay, I even sheltered myfelf under what our Lord fays, "When thou prayeft enter into thy clofet:" this paffage I perverted to excufe myfelf from the duties of the clofet, for I thought I had none. Confcience fometimes fharply reproved me when I heard others worshipping God in their families; but I was not flack in concluding they were hypocrites, and that I had even a better heart than they. Thus I lived a child of wrath, and an heir of hell; mocking at religion, and foolishly thinking that my faying, "God have mercy on me," when I was on the brink of eternity, would be fufficient for my falvation. "I flattered myself in mine own eyes, until mine iniquity was found to be hateful."

You enquire what it was that firft brought me ferioufly to confider my ways? &c. About a year before fin was any trouble to me, I was much tempted to kill myself, without any reafon. Temptations of this kind darted in upon me fuddenly, and, as I thought, with a drawing power, which made me fhun every thing that might be helpful to me in accomplishing the horrid deed. I trusted my own ftrength, and it was a miracle of mercy, that I was not left to feel how little ftrength I had." But the Lord's ftrong arm up, held me, though I knew him not." After being about a year much tempted to felf-murder, and trying many filly methods to remove the temptation, my fins then began to appear quite different from what they had ever done before. I then began to think, and to read more feriously; but I found fin every where spoken against. After one fin, another appeared, till I was led to believe, that there never had been fuch a monster of fin in the world, and that there was no pardon for me. Then I thought I had good reafon to do that, which I was before fo much tempted to do without a reafon. I fometimes thought I was not elected, elfe I could not have committed fuch fins; and at other times that I had committed the fin unto death. I believed the latter fo firmly for fome time, that, from a kind of principle of honefty, I did not defire the prayers of others, which I would otherwife have been glad of. I now from neceffity began to pray, an exercife I was formerly afhamed of, or could not

have conveniency for, as I made myself believe. I think Satan told me I fhould not pray, for the prayers of the wicked are an abomination to the Lord, and I was only doing what would make my punishment the greater. Here I was in a dreadful fituation, I thought I had no friend either in heaven or in earth. Hell was nearly begun within me; I' even fometimes had the time appointed to make a defperate leap into it; for every book I took in my hand, I fcarcely opened it, but fomething dreadful ftared me in the face. In the time of my fecurity I faw little against me; now I faw nothing for me, but curfes and woes. For a confiderable time I durft not open the New Teftament for horrid blafphemies that crowded into my mind against the Saviour. There were certain paffages of fcripture that brought me into fearful confufion and horror, fuch as the following: "If we fin wilfully after we have received the knowledge "of the truth, there remaineth no more facrifice for fin. "If the righteous fcarcely be faved, where shall the finner "and the ungodly appear?---It is not of him that willeth, "nor of him that runneth:---and, he hath mercy on whom " he will have mercy, and whom he will he hardeneth, &c." Indeed, I faw every thing against me, and whether I thought on God, or on myfelf, I was now greatly troubled.

So far as I can recollect, it was in January 1791, that I began to be troubled about my fins, and seriously concerned what I fhould do to be faved. For though the thoughts which troubled me about a year before this, were ftrange and alarming, they were not attended with conviction of fin. I was under awful despair from the above mentioned time till Auguft following, and in fuch a difmal fituation during that time, that I hardly ever thought of finding mercy. Though I read of great finners finding mercy through Chrift, I faw fomething about myfelf, worfe than in any I had read of; and would have given the world, had it been in my power, for a heart to mourn for fin and repent, as I heard of others mourning and repenting. I now faw that I did not only want power, but willingnefs; and I have great reafon to praise his bleffed name, that he did not leave me to think I had repented, and take that to build my hope upon. Little did I think, in that dismal fituation, when I found Satan and strong corruptions within me, pufhing me on to immediate and endless misery, that the strong chain of the new covenant, as Mr. Bofton expreffes it, was what alone kept me back. About the month of Auguft above mentioned, Providence put fome books into my hand, which were blessed

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