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Yon trembling coward, who forsook his master !
THE GENERAL CONFLAGRATION.
At the destined hour,
IT'S ON THE MORN OF ST. VALENTINE'S DAY.
AIR. ---Corporal Jenkins.
With letters the ladies may roast, man;
Then Miss in her teens gets up early,
Gets up at seven
Instead of eleven,
Spoken.] Oh! mamma, do lend me twopence ; here's a walentine come. How dare you ask me such a thing! Go up into the nursery ; ask the maid to wash your face and put you on a clean pinafore. I'll valentine you, you little baggage-Jane ? Yes, marm. Run and put these seventeen letters in the post ; and, do you hear? don't say a word to your master. (Man's voice.) Jane! Jane ! I say, some hot water here directly. Oh, Lord ! what shall I do? Here's master coming down stairs what shall I do with the letters ? I think my mistress will get into the hot water now. How now, Jane, how dare you not to answer when I call ? what are you going to do with those letters? answer me-Speak—are you dumb ?-by-Oh! sir, don't swear ; mistress told me not to say a word to you. Is this the way, madam, to behave, after we've been married a matter of fifteen years! Well, my dear, don't be jealous ; it's only a little frolic-for,
It's on the morn, &c.
This is the day that poor swells get served out,
And laughed at, and jeered by the lasses
Each woman then boasts of her power,
Yes, if she is pretty,
Good-natured, and witty,
Spoken.) Ha ! my dear Julia, do you know I've not received one valentine all this blessed morning, and I'm dying for a hus. band. I don't wonder at that, for it's not very likely any one would marry or send a valentine to a girl with a rice pudding face, and two squinting eyes—really, my dear, I'm very sorry for you, but I've had a score myself, one in particular-let ine look ! bless me ; I think this Valentine must have come from some Orson. Why so ? Because it's evidently written by a Wild Man. (Fop's voice.) Charles, tell James to bring up my chocolate. Yes, sir. And, Charles, should any letters ar.. rive, let me have them on the instant. Yes, sir. And, Charles, tell the man to call again for the money ; as, should there be any hoax, he must take them back. Yes, sir. And, Charles, if he wou't leave them, pay the postage yourself. Yes, sir ; I wish you may get it. And, Charles. Yes, sir. Oh ! nothing ; you may go. Dear me! I know I shall be pestered with some hundred valentines ; the dear creatures are so infernally fond of me. (A knock.) Come in. A letter, sir. Paid ? No sir. So much the worse, then. Now for it ; this is from Fanny, or Susan, or Henrietta, or—(opens a letter, and holds it out, containing an ass's head with long ears, &c.) The devil! Here John-Thomas-Charles ; who dared to take this in? I'll but I suppose I must take it in good part ; for
It's on the morn, &c.
A JOLLY comrade in the port, a fearless mate at sea ;
Poor Ned! he had a heart of steel, with neither flaw nor speck ;
'Sblood ! 'twas a sorry fate he met on his own mother wave, -
'Twas off the coast of Mexico-the tale is bitter brief-
Six days and nights the vessel lay upon the coral reef,
Up sprung the breeze the seventh day-away! away! to sea
The thundering gun, the broken song, the mad tumultuous cheer,
THE TWO MISERS.
your rules ?
Two neighbouring gentlemen of equal fortune, and remarkable for their avarice, were distinguished in their parish by the names of Cribb and Starve.gut. Mr. Cribb often visited his neighbour, and was as often visited by him ; but as they had both the same end in view, they never asked each other to eat or drink; and they went on together very amicably, till Cribb one day was present at his friend's, when a man came to pay the interest of a thousand pounds, which raised Cribb's envy so much, that he left the room and went home; but return'd in the evening to Mr. Starve-gut, in order to learn some of his saving maxims. When Cribb came in, he found him writing a letter by a farthing candle ; he was no sooner sat down, but Mr. Starve-gut put it out. How now!' says Cribb, what's that for ? To which Starve.gut replied, 'Cannot we two talk as well in the dark !' • Faith, neighbour,' says Cribb, “you are an excellent economist ; I wish you would teach me some of
• Why, friend,' says Starve-gut, one of my chief maxims is, never to spend more than is necessary : witness the candle ! · Right !' quoth Cribb. I remember,' says Starvegut, “the saying of an old philosopher, which ought to be wrote in letters of gold-namely, that whatever is unnecessary is too dear at a farthing.' Right,' quoth Cribb, 'thank you, neighbour-egad, I'll set this down. Now we are talking of sav. ing,' says Starve-gut, let me ask you one question, for you must kuow there is a great difference between being covetous and being saving ; for my part, there's nothing hate more than a stingy man; but to my question— Pray, friend Cribb, do you shave yourself ? Quoth Cribb,' what, do you take me for a fool ? Well,' says Starve-gut, do not be in a passion ; I did but ask. But what do you do with your lather ?
• Why, fling it away,' says Cribb, what do you think ?? “Why, there it is now,' says Starve.gut,' that is enough to ruin a man ; why I always wash half a dozen handkerchiefs and a night-cap in mine, and then save it to wash my stockings !
THE COUNTRYMAN AND RAZOR-SELLER.
A FELLOW in a market town,
Which certainly seem'd wondrous cheap,
As ev'ry man would buy with cash and sense.
A country bumpkin the great offer heard-
That seem'd a shoe-brush stuck beneath his nose.
• This rascal stole the razors, I suppose.
• No matter if the fellow be a knave :
It sartainly will be a monstrous prize.'
And quickly soap'd himself to ears and eyes.
Being well lather'd from a dish or tub;
Just like a hedger cutting furze:
* I wish my eighteen pence within my purse.'
In vain to chase his beard, and bring the graces,
He cut, and dug, and winc'd and swore; Brought blood, and danced, blasphemed, and made wry faces,
And curs'd each razor's body o'er and o'er.
His muzzle form’d of opposition stuff,
So kept it laughing at the steel and suds.
On the vile cheat that sold the goods. • Razors ! a damn'd confounded dog, Not fit to scrape a hog!
Hodge sought the fellow, found him, and begun, . Perhaps Master razor-rogue, to you 'tis fun,
That people slave themselves out o' their lives :-
With razors just like oyster-knives !