April 20, 1707. This day the Lord difected me to ftrike at the root of the prevailing delufion: in oppo fition to which I taught:

1. That true holiness will not admit of leaving out fome duties, whereas thefe devotees, while they with draw from the world, omit the unqueftionable duties both of general usefulness among men, and of diligence in their particular callings.

2. That holiness confifts not in a strict obfervance of rules of our own invention, fuch as most of theirs

are.

3. That whatever holiness thofe profefs, who neglect the ordinances of God, none can reasonably conclude, that they are in any thing influenced by the authority of the Lord Jefus, for the fame authority

binds to the one as well as the other.

4. That the most effectual inducement to univerfal obedience, is a fense that our fins are forgiven us, ftill kept fresh upon our fouls, and a conftant application to the blood of Chrift by faith.

11. Jan. 11, 1708. In the morning I arose greatly indifpofed. Before church I was fomewhat relieved, but immediately after fermon, feized with vomiting. Lord, lead me to fome fuitable improvement!

Jan. 12, was a day I fet apart for examining the ftate of my foul; chiefly on thefe heads. 1. Are daily fins, and fins of infirmity, searched, obferved, weighed, mourned for? and do I exercife faith dif tinctly in order to the pardon of them? 2. Does the impreffion of the neceffity and excellency of Chrift's blood decay? are the experiences of its ufe and effiacy diftinct as before? 3. Am I formal in worship? in fecret, family, public prayer? defiring bleffing on meat, returning thanks? meditation and reading? 4. Is there due concern for the flock? finglenefs and diligence in minifterial duties, prayers for them, &c.? 5. Is there fympathy with afflicted faints and churches ? 6. Is the voice of the rod heard, calling to deniedness to relations, even the deareft? deniednefs to the world to life? preparation for death? fpirituality in duty?

14. October 12, 1709. Being feized with a violent flux and griping, yet God kept me fubmiffive, without repining; and brought me to commit the difpofal of all to him, crying for a removal of any averfion to his will. And as to my ministry, though I felt much remorfe for the want of wrestling with God for the fuccefes of his word among the people, yet it was refreshing that I durft fay in the fight of God, that I was really concerned to know the truth; that I kept back none which might be profitable for them; that I preached what I refolved to venture my foul on, and that I defired to preach home to their confciences.

CHAPTER III.

Of his Marriage, and Conduct in his Family.

1. WHEN God convinced me, that it was not meet I should be alone, he alfo clearly convinced me, that a prudent wife is from the Lord.. I looked therefore and cried to, and waited on him, for direction, with that eminent freedom and preparation of heart, which gave a fixed hope he would incline his ear, and bless me in my choice.

2. The command, "Be not unequally yoked with unbelievers," was so strongly impreffed on my foul, that no prospect of outward advantage could have fwayed to choofe one void of the fear of God. But whether to choose on the teftimony of others, or from personal acquaintance, I could not eafily determine.

3. At laft, inclining to think a personal acquaintance neceffary, I pitched on one who appeared fuitable to me; and who falling at that time under fome unusual concern about religion, which the imparted to me, it looked like a providential clearing of the way; on which, I too haftily proceeded in the propofal. Yet I never durft pray abfolutely for fuccefs, but had great freedom in praying that God would direct: and that if it were not for my good, my way might be hedged in, and my defign effectually difappointed. Mean

while the carried on an intrigue with another, to whom she was soon after clandeftinely married.

4. Another marriage was propofed to me fome time after. In the beginning of this affair, March, 1700, I was confident to meet with a disappointment: whereon I refolved to quit it, and did fo for fome time. But God, by one means or other, broke all my defigns of turning away. He vifibly interpofed his providence, gave me freth opportunities, directed me to means I had never before thought of, and reconciled those to it, from whom I expected the strongest opposition.

5. Yet after I had the greatest encouragement to proceed, I met with difcouragements again: this was followed by new encouragement when I least expected it and by this variety of fuccefs, I was kept low as to my thoughts of myself, and wholly dependent on God, for the event.

6. Dec. 13. This forenoon I fet apart for prayer: And being to addrefs God with regard to my propofal of marriage, I began the work with an inquiry into my own ftate. Upon this inquiry I found,

1. With refpect to God, I was under a full conviction, "that life was in his favour," nay, "that his loving-kindness is better than life itself." That any intereft in his favour is utterly impoffible, without refpect had to a Mediator? God being holy, I unholy; God a confuming fire, I a finner meet to be confumed; that God out of mere love has been pleased to fend into the world Jefus Chrift, as the mediator through whom finners might regain his favour.

2. With refpect to Chrift, nothing has been able (fince it was firft given me) to shake my full conviction of the following particulars: that Jefus Chrift is fuch a Saviour as it became the goodness, justice, wifdom, and power of God to provide; and fuch as became the defires and needs of finners, as being, fufficient to fave all that come to God through Him, and that to the uttermoft, his blood being able to cleanfe from all fin, his power to fubdue all things to himself, and his Spirit to lead into all truth: that I need him in all his offices; there being no time when I durft once

F

think of parting them: God knows that my heart is as much reconciled to his kingly as to his priestly office, and that it would for ever damp me, had he not a power to captivate every thought to the obedience of himself; that all my hope of freedom from that darknefs which is my burden, is from Chrift's prophetical office; and my hope of freedom from the guilt and power of fin, arifes from his priestly and kingly offices. In one word, I have no hope of any mercy in time or eternity but through him. It is through him I expect all, from the least drop of water to the immense riches of his glory.

3. With refpect to his law, notwithstanding my frequent breaches of it, I dare take God to witness, that I count all his commandments concerning all things, to be holy, and juft, and good; infomuch that I would not defire any alteration in any, and least of all in those which most cross my inclinations: that I defire inward, universal conformity to them all, and that in their fpiritual meaning and extent, as reaching all thoughts, words, and actions, and even the minutest circumftances of them. Laftly, That fince the commencement of this affair particularly, I have seen a peculiar beauty in the law, as exemplified in the life of our Lord; more efpecially in his abfolute submission to the divine will, even in those things which were most contrary to his innocent nature. And though I could fcarce reach this fubmiflion at fome times, yet I earnestly defired it, I looked upon it as exceedingly amiable, and condemned myself, so far as I came fhort ofsit.

7. As to the whole, my spirit was in a calm and compofed frame but, contrary to my pofitive refolu tion, and under fears of a refufal, I was carried out to be more peremptory than usual as to the fuccefs. Yea, now, when I was in the moft fubmiffive frame, I was more peremptory as to the event, than when my heart was moft eagerly fet upon it. 18. Jan. 17, 1701, was a day fet apart by us both, to be kept with fafting and prayer, for obtaining a blefling on our marriage. I began it with prayer,

1

wherein I endeavoured to trace back fin to my very infancy. Lord, I have been in all fin; not one of thy commands but I have broken in almost all inftances, fave in the outward acts; and from them, O Lord, only thy free grace reftrained me.

I now again folemnly devoted myself to Him, in this new relation I was to enter upon; befeeching that he would not contend with either of us, for the fins of our fingle life; that he would make us holy, and blefs us in this new ftate, fitting us every way for one another. In my fecond addrefs to God by prayer, he gave me much fweetnefs and enlargement (bleffed be his goodness) in reference to that particular, for which I fet apart this day. When he prepareth our hearts to pray, his ear hearkeneth thereto.

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This day I again fearched into my state, and found thefe evidences of the Lord's work in my foul: 1. He hath given me by his Spirit fome discovery of the innumerable fins of every period of my life, and especially of the root of all, the inexpreffible corruption of my nature: 2. He has difcovered to me the vanity of all thofe reliefs nature leads to, with regard to the guilt of fin: he hath made me fee, that my own works cannot fave me, and, I hope, taken me off from refting upon them; for under trouble, occafioned by fin, nothing but Chrift could quiet me: the view of my own works only increased it. And God, when he affifted me most therein, fo guarded me against this, that he then always opened my eyes to fee a world of fin in them; infomuch that I have as earnestly defired to be faved from trusting in my best duties, as ever I did from my worst fins: and whenever my heart inclined to lay fome stress on duties fpiritually performed, God ftirred up in my foul a holy jealoufy over my heart in this particular. 3. As to the power of fin, he hath brought me to an utter defpair of relief from my own prayers, vows, or refolutions. 4. He hath pleafed to determine me to choose the gospel way of falvation, by refting on Chrift for righteoufnefs, fanctification and redemption; as a way full of admirable mercy and wifdom; a way of great peace and fecurity to finners,