and thank him for that mercy! bleffed be the Lord for this likewife." And thus I have gone on, till he hath led me to a fenfe of his love, and restored comfort to my foul.

CHAPTER III.

A more particular Account of his preceding Doubts concern ing the Being of God, and deliverance from them.

1. I before mentioned the trials I had about the Being of a God, almost as foon as I had any concern about religion. But at first I had no arguments urged against it; only feeing this was the hinge on which all religion turned, I found myself at a lofs for evidence fo clear and strong, and convincing, as I thought neceffary, with refpect to a truth, whereon fo much weight was to be laid. I faid, "Very great things are demanded of me, and I am called to hope for great things; but, before I truft fo far, I would know more of that God in whom I am to trust."

2. But afterwards, when I was more eftranged from God, and intent upon abstract fubtleties, the devil took his opportunity, and faid daily, "Where is now thy God?" He then triumphed, "Where is now that mouth, with which thou hast fo often reproached atheifts? These are the arguments they have; come forth then, try thy ftrength, and fight them."

3. Hereupon a fharp conflict began, in which I used various ways. Sometimes I rejected his fuggeftions, and refused them a hearing. Sometimes I tried to anfwer his arguments: but the longer I ftood arguing the cafe, I was always at the greater lofs. Then I would with for a discovery of God himself. "O that I knew where I might find him!" Whence the enemy failed not to infer, "If there was a God, he would help one, who was thus ftanding up for him, in fuch a ftrait." Sometimes I prayed, and thought Satan urged me with the unreasonablenefs of praying, till I was fure there was a God; yet I always thought, "If there be one, he can beft fatisfy me as to his own Being."!

4. And he did fatisfy me in part. 1. By clear difcoveries of the tendency of these temptations, viz. To caft reproach on all the best and wifeft of men, and to deftroy the foundations of all human happiness. 2. By fome glimpses of his glory, even in the works of creation. 3. By fome beams of light from his word; and more than once, in particular, by fuggefting to my mind, with power, that answer of the three children, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we are not careful to answer thee in this matter. If it be fo, our God, whom we serve, is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand. But if not, be it known unto thee, O King, that we will not ferve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up.'

5. But yet I was not fully relieved; nothing but a difcovery of God could give a full defeat to Satan. But confidering I was then an unhumble finner, God could not have appeared otherwise than as an enemy; and this my nature could not bear, I could not have thus feen his face and lived. Wherefore he led me another way; he discovered fin to me first, and thereby broke the force of the temptation; and having humbled me, he then discovered himself in his glory in Chrift Jefus.

6. This it was which gave me full fatisfaction: while God commanded this light to fhine on my mind, I could not defire a clearer proof of his Being; all his enemies fled before it; all the mountains of oppofition hook at the prefence of the Lord, and were carried into the midst of the fea. I had now manifold evidences of this glorious truth. I had, 1. The evidence of fight by the eye of faith I faw the glory of God as reprefented in the word, fhining with the clearest luftre: it not only convinced me of its own reality, but that, in a manner, nothing elfe was real. This fight gave me more confiftent, becoming notions of God, his nature and attributes, than ever I attained before, and fo fhook the very foundations of those doubts which flowed purely from my ignorance of his nature. 2. I had the evidence of the ear: I heard him speak, and his voice fufficiently distinguished itself from the voice

of any creature. He firft fpoke terror to me from Sinai; and when my foul was as the troubled fea, he faid unto it," Peace, be ftill, and there was a great calm." His words had light and power peculiar to God with them, both when he spake for me and against me; they made me taste and fee that the Lord is good, and that "bleffed is he that trufteth in him." All my objections were folved. As to the feeming inconfiftency of his attributes, at the time that he condefcended to fhew me his back-parts, he fatisfied me, "That no man can behold his face." He gave me a view of his incomprehenfibility, which filenced all thofe fuggeftions. And as to the feeming disorders in his government, a plain anfwer was, "He giveth account to none; his way is in the fea; his paths in the great waters, and his footfteps are not known."

CHAPTER IV.

A more particular Account of his preceding Doubts cotto cerning the Holy Scripture, and Deliverance from them.

1. THIS temptation, as I obferved before, did not attack me fo foon as the former; but it was ma naged in much the fame way. Sometimes my mind only hung in fufpenfe, for want of fufficient evidence. Sometimes I was ftrangely haraffed with multiplied objections, either by the books I read, the enemies of the word, with whom I converfed, or by Satan, whofe fuggeftions were for the most subtle, and most perplexing of all.

2. This trial was more grievous than even the former. These objections were equally deftructive of all religion, and were far more numerous, more plaufible, and entertained by perfons of a fairer character. Befide, the evidence of this truth lay farther from the reach of an unenlightened mind.

3. I tried many ways to escape: befides prayer, and attending public ordinances, I read many books written in defence of the Scriptures. And this wanted not its ufe; I got a rational conviction of the truth, and fo

was emboldened to plead for it against its enemies and I found answers to many particular objections, which encourage me to wait for full fatisfaction. But that I found not yet; this being but the wifdom of men, had not power to filence temptations, to enlighten me to fee the evidence of God in his word, or to give a relish for it to an indifpofed foul.

4. God began to break the force of this temptation, when his word fastened a fenfe of guilt on my foul; though this rather extorted an affent than induced to a cheerful acquiefcence therein, as coming from God. But when he gave me that light which repelled all temptations, which revived and comforted a foul bowed down before, I inftantly clofed with his word as the word of life; I rejoiced as one that had found hid treasure; I was fweetly fatisfied, that it came from him; and that by many evidences: For,

1. All difcoveries of guilt were made by it. God by this fpoke in my ear, fins, which none fave he who fearcheth the heart, could know, which I knew not, nor any creature else. By it the fecrets of my heart were manifeft, fo that I was compelled to own, that God was in it of a truth; I could not but cry out, "Come, fee a book which told me all that ever I did. Is not this the book of God?"

2. All the discoveries he made of his anger were made by the Holy Scriptures; it was by them that his wrath was dropt into my foul, and revealed from heaven against me. It was by the fame that he let in upon my foul the glorious discovery of his being, attributes, and his whole will concerning my falvation, by Jefus Christ. By the fame he conveyed all thofe quickening, converting, transforming, fupporting, compofing influences, and let me fee the other wonders of his law; excellent things in counfel and knowledge. By this he was pleased to reveal the craft, the power, the actings, and the defigns of my enemies; his own defigns in my trials, and fomething of his fecret defigns in many of his public administrations.

3. As all these influences and difcoveries were conveyed by his word, fo by the peculiar light and power

that attended them, he evinced that his name was there. It taught, not as the greateft, the wisest, the best of men; but with another fort of authority and weight; it fpake as never man fpake. Whatever it faid, my. confcience ftood to. When it challenged me for what I knew not to be faults, no defences availed; I was fcarce fooner accufed, than arraigned, convicted, condemned. In like manner, when God hereby spoke peace, he created it. The dead heard, and the hearer. lived. Temptations after it, spoke not again. When I was felf-deftroyed, felf-condemned, and caft hereby into the greatest agony, yet whenever he fent his word, it healed me; my foul was commanded to be at peace, and there enfued a glorious calm.

4. And whereas my enemies had often asked me, how I could diftinguish the real among fo many pretended revelations? God himself now gave me a reply; "The prophet that hath a dream, let him tell a dream: and he that hath my word, let him speak my word faithfully. What is the chaff to the wheat, faith the Lord? Is not my word like as a fire? And like a hammer that breaketh the rock in pieces? Jer. xxiii. 28, 29. And he was pleafed particularly to fpeak those things, whereat I had ftumbled, to my foul, which both humbled me for my former unbelief and encouraged me to hope, that I fhould know other things hereafter, which I understood not now. Again, he fatisfied me as to many things, that the time of knowing them was not yet; and that when he faw the proper feafon to be come, he would fhew me plainly of them. He let me fee his wisdom and goodness in thus training me up to dependence for learning of him what I knew not; and fhewed me that it was my duty to meditate in his law day and night, and to fearch the Scriptures with all humility; fince "the fecret of the Lord is only with thofe that fear him, and he will fhew none but them his covenant."

5. When after this I read the Scriptures, and found not that powerful light fhining with that warming, quickening, dazzling glory, yet I found, an habitual 1ght in my foul, whereby I could almost every where