was more enraged against it. Laftly, this coldness was now a preternatural state: I cried daily, "When wilt thou revive me?" I loathed myself for it; I could not reft in it; I wearied myfelf with effaying to break my prifon: I looked back to former feafons, and faid, "O that it were with me as in months paft!"

CHAPTER II.

Of his fresh Struggles with Sin; its Victories; and the Caufe of them; and God's Goodness with respect to this Trial.

1. FINDING my enemies had gained great advantage over me, by the fecurity into which I was fallen, though I was unwilling to fight, yet upon their appearance I tried what weapons would be moft fuc-cefsful. I objected to them, that now I was engaged to the Lord; I reafoned with them; I prayed againft them. Nor could I then fee, whence it was that they prevailed; but God hath fince fhewn me feveral reafons of it. I laid too much ftrefs on the grace I had already received; I was not fufficiently watchful; the enemy put me on vain work; where the fin lay not in the thing itself, but in the degree of it, there he fet me upon renouncing it in the grofs, and rooting out what was in itself lawful. Of this I had many inftances with refpect to my paffions, and worldly employments, and converse with finful people. I ftill neglected fome means of God's appointment, under pretence of difficulties and inconveniencies, and fo prevented his bleffing upon the rest. I was fome times not fingle in my aims: I wanted a victory which would eafe me of the trouble of watchfulness. I was weary of a fighting life, and defired to conquer, that I might be at reft. Laftly, when I was not quickly heard, I did not perfevere in prayer, for grace to help in time of need.

2. Yet was God even then exceeding merciful to me; he kept me from giving quite over: when I had many times gone further into temptations, yet he came in with feasonable help; and frequently, when I was hard preft, he fo cleared up to me my own fincerity, as 'emboldened me to appeal to him, which left me at liberty, under this new encouragement, vigoroufly to oppofe all my enemies.

3. And God has fince let me fee, what gracious defigns he carried on by these trials. Hereby he taught me that all Chriftians must be foldiers; that our fecurity as to future temptations does not lie in grace already received, but in having our way open to the Throne of Grace; that God deals it out in the proper seasons, whereof he alone is able to judge.* Hereby too he Jet me fee, how difpleafed he was for my cleaving to fin fo long. The fins that now frequently caft me down were thofe I fought to fpare before. God often cried to me, to part with them, and I would not hear; and now God would not hear when I cried against them. Hereby alfo he difcovered the riches of that forgivenefs that is with him, that it reaches fins of all forts, multiplied relapfes not excepted. He that requires us to forgive feventy times feven in a day, will not do lefs himfelf. And finally, he fitted me hereby to compaffionate, and to comfort others alfo who were tempted.

4. During all this time, befides fins of infirmity, my corruptions did fometimes bear me down to relapfes, both into omiffions of duties, and commiffion of known fins. And these being fins against light, love, and all forts of engagements, lay heavy upon my confcience. I was much perplexed about them, my bones were broken, and my fpirit wounded exceedingly.

5. At fometimes, indeed, I was for awhile hardened by the deceitfulness of fin, and fenfeless; at other times my heart inftantly fmote me, and I was immediately after my fall stirred up to the exercise of repentance. But fooner or later God fet my fins in order before me, either by fome outward or inward affliction (often fo remarkably chofen, that the fin was written upon the

* See the Preface.

punishment) or by his word, or his Holy Spirit in his ordinances, which told me all that I had done.

6. Then was my foul troubled with fear and fhame, and a fense of his anger, by which Satan often fought to drive me to defpair. But God graciously broke the force of this temptation, fometimes by diftant difcoveries of forgivenefs, fometimes by reminding me of his former kindness, or fhewing me the fatal iffue of cafting away my confidence. And when the temptation was most violently urged, I thought it no time to dif pute, but allowed the worst the tempter could fuggeft, and then laid my cafe, in all its aggravations, to the extensive promifes of the covenant. "Be it granted, faid I, that I am but an hypocrite; that I never obtained pardon; that I am the chief of finners; that my fins have fuch aggravations as the fins of no other man ever had;" yet the blood of Chrift clean feth from all fin, and he came to fave the chief of finners.

7. When I had got thus far, I got up again as I could, and fought him in all the duties of his appointment. Nor was it long (if I humbly and patiently continued in this way) before I found him, as at the firft. He fet my fin, in all its aggravations, before me; he led me up to original fin, the fource of all; he cut off all excufes, and left me felf-convicted, owning that any punishment, on this fide hell, would be mercy. Then he stepped in, and inade a gracious discovery of the fountain opened for fin and for uncleannefs. He drew my foul to close with, and with trembling lay stress upon it. Having by this look drawn my eyes to look at him again, while I looked, my foul melted into tears; my heart, before bound up, was loofed; and my lips, before clofed, were opened. While he thus anfwered me, and I could fcarce believe the news, "he created peace by the fruit of his lips," and as it were, forced it upon my foul, and fhed abroad his love in my heart.

8. Before I conclude this head, I must observe, 1ft. That fometimes this work was wrought gradually; fometimes all at once, and in a moment. 2d. Sometimes I fought peace long before I obtained it; fome. times God furprised me immediately upon my fin, be

fore I had thought in the leaft what I had done, and gave me fuch a look as made me weep bitterly. And when it was thus, it pierced through my foul, filling me with the deepest loathing of myself, and the highest wonder at the riches, freedom, and astonishing fovereignity of his grace.

9. There was a great difference as to the continuance of these impreffions, and likewife as to the degrees of them. At fometimes, my convictions and humiliations were deeper, and my faith and hope far clearer than at others. But, amidst all these accidental differences, the substance of the work was always the fame. I would obferve, laftly, that the most terrible enemies are not the most dangerous. While I was attacked by plain fins, I was eafily convinced and alarmed at then, which was attended with all these happy effects; where. as I have been fince affaulted by lefs difcernible evils, fins under the mafk of duties; and thefe fecretly devour the ftrength, and are with difficulty difcovered in their exceeding finfulness.

I must not pafs over without notice, that when I first felt forgiveness of fins, I was much exercised with, and troubled for, fins of infirmity and daily incurfion: Of this I fhall give a more distinct account. 1. When God manifested himself, his enemies fled before him; they received a stunning stroke, and vanished away at the brightness of his appearing. He for a time, bore down corruption, chained up Satan, and kept me from any the leaft difturbance from them. 2. It was fome time before my stronger enemies oppeared again; prefumptuous fins did not foon approach me; I first found the remaining power of fin only by the invafions of fins of daily infirmity, particularly deadnefs in prayer. 3. Hereupon I began to be much difcouraged, neither understanding my prefent ftate, nor the provifion, made for this cafe in the covenant of grace, by a daily appli cation of the blood of atonement. 4. When my found expectation was difappointed, I at first effayed to humble myself diftinctly for each of thefe tranfgreffions. But finding my whole time would not fuffice for this, I was obliged to go with them all at once, and plunge in

to the fountain opened for fin, and uncleannefs. I took a view of myself defiled by innummerable evils, and under a fenfe of them caft myself on the glorious atonement, and relied for the cleanfing me from them all on that blood which cleanfeth from all fin. 5. To clear this matter yet further, I observe, that the light which first discovered this precious redemption, tho' varioufly clouded, yet was never quite loft. A child of light is never in total darkness. He has, indeed, a fummer's fun, that fhines longer, brighter, and warmer; and his winter fun, which fhines more faintly. He has fair and rainy days; he has changeable intercourse of day and night; but light, more or lefs, there is ftill.

10. Upon the whole, we may remark, 1. That we may heal our wounds flightly; but it is God's peroga tive to fpeak folid peace. 2. That confidering our unbelief, and pride of heart, it is not eafy to win a finner to believe, that the forgiveness, which is with God, is able to answer all his neceffities. And when the foul is in fome meafure fatisfied with this, and willing to come to God daily for grace and mercy, it is not easy to keep up either a due abhorrence of fin, or a due fense of that boundless mercy. Yea, here lies one of the greateft fecrets of practical godlinefs, and the highest attainment in clofe walking with God, to come daily and wash, and yet retain as high a value for this difcovery of forgiveness as if it were only to be had once, and no more. The more we see of it, the more, doubtlefs, we ought to value it; whereas, on the contrary, unless the utmost care be used, our hearts turn formal and count it a common thing. I obferve, 3, That the joy of the Lord is then only to be retained, when we walk tenderly and circumspectly; being inconsistent not only with any grofs fin, but with any remiffness. of behaviour. And, laftly, that when I was at the lowest ebb, I have often recovered myself by thankfulnefs. If you afk, what I had then to be thankful for? I answer, I began thus: "What a mercy is it I am out of hell! bleffed be the Lord for this" Again: "What a mercy it is, that he hath given me to see,