fhewed falvation in a way of felf-denial, and truft only. in the Lord, nothing fo fhook this hope, as the leaft appearance of felf, or ftirring of pride. As this fight of the glory of the Lord always filled me with fhame, fo the deeper my humiliation, the stronger was my confidence. And fo far was this affurance from begetting negligence, that it could not confift with it. To intermit, or neglect duty, razed the foundation, or, at least, laid an infurmountable ftop in the way of its progrefs.

S. Many other effects there were, too long to repeat at large. I felt a new, and formerly unknown, love to all who feemed to have any thing of the image of God, though known only by report; and this evidenced itfelf in prayer for them, and fympathy with them in their afflictions. Again, I found my care of all God's concerns enlarged, and I defired more and more, that he might be exalted upon earth. I was grieved at any lofs his intereft fuftained, and was zealous for his glory. To conclude,' I found this light fweetly drawing me to a willing, cheerful endeavour after holiness in all manner of converfation. Thus were all things, in fome measure, become new; and I, who a little before, with the jailer, had fallen down trembling, was now raised, and fet down to feaft with the difciples of the Lord, rejoicing and believing.

PART III. CHAP. I.

Of the Pleasure of this State; the Miftakes attending it, and the way of their Difcovery.

1. THIS glorious difcovery was very furprifing; often I ftood and wondered what this ftrange fight meant. The greatnefs of the things which God had done furpaffed belief; and yet the effects would not fuffer me to doubt of them. Not that I diftinctly obferved them at the very firft; the glory of the Lord was then fo great, that for a time I fixed my eyes on

that, and was lefs intent on the change which it wrought in me. Again, I was the lefs exact in obferving them then, becaufe of the darkness ftill remaining in me. I clearly faw the mystery of free justification through Chrift, and peace by his blood; but I was still fadly ignorant of many of the most important things relating even to that mystery; as the daily application of that atonement, and the use of Chrift with respect to fanctification. What therefore

God did at this time I knew not now, but hereafter, when the Comforter had further inftructed me in the gofpel, as my exigencies required; then, at length, I faw diftinctly the work of God, and what he had done for me.

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2. This difcovery could not but be full of ravishing fweetnefs, confidering the state wherein it found me. I was condemned by God and my own confcience, and under preffing fears of a prefent execution of the fentence. When the labours of the day required that I fhould fleep, and my body wafted with the difquiet of my mind, yet I was afraid to clofe my eyes, left I fhould wake in hell, and durft not fuffer myself to fleep, till I was beguiled into it I knew not how. Was it strange, that the hopes of pardon were fweet, to one in fuch a condition, whereby I laid down in fafety and quiet reft, while there was none to make me afraid? A little before "the waters compaffed me about, even to the foul; the deep clofed me round about, I went down to the bottoms of the mountains, and faid, I am caft out of God's fight." Now, was it any wonder that fuch an one should rejoice, when brought into a garden of delights, and fet down under the refreshing rays of the Sun of Righteousness ? And the things he difcovered to me here were not only altogether new, and fuch as I was utterly unac quainted with before; but also glorious in themselves. It was the glory of the Lord that fhone round about me; and I faw fuch things as eye hath not feen, befide thee, O God. In a word, what I faw was (what the angels defire to look into) the mystery of godli

nefs, the wonders of God's law, and the unfearchable riches of his mercy.

3. This difcovery was of longer continuance, and far brighter than any I have had fince: it shone in its glory for ten days; nor was it quite gone for a long time after; and while it lafted, new discoveries were daily made. God carried me from one thing to another, and in this fhort fpace taught me more than I had learned by all my ftudy in my whole life. Yea, he taught me the things I had learned before, in another, and quite different manner. Every day he inftructed me out of the Scriptures, talking and walking with me by the way, and opening them to me, which before were as a fealed book, wherein whatever I read was dark. Indeed all this time my mind was almost wholly taken up about fpiritual things; and whatever occurred in reading, meditation, converfe, or daily obfervation, it was, like a mold caft into its own fhape. All this while I was carried out to extraordinary diligence in duty. It was not, as formerly, a burden; but my heart was enlarged, fo that I ran in the ways of God's ordinances and commandments. And herein my foul often made me like the chariots of Aminadab, not easily to be stopped; fometimes to the dif guft of those who did not tafte the fame ravishing fweetnefs which I enjoyed. But the life of all was, that God, by keeping his glory continually in my eye, kept me humble and felf-denied all this while: feeing him, I loathed myself. Beholding his glory, I was in my own eyes as a grafshopper, as nothing, lefs than nothing, and vanity. I gloried only in the Lord, rejoiced in Chrift Jefus, and had no confidence in the flesh.

4. God had many gracious defigns in this. I was fore broken and wounded, and he did this in tendernefs; he bound up my wounds, he poured in oil, he made me a bed in my fickness. He watched me, and kept me from disturbance, till I was fomewhat ftrengthened. I had been plunged into grievous and hard thoughts of him, as if he had forgotten to be gracious. Nor was I easily induced to believe good tidings; yea,

though it was told me, I could not believe, till I had a clear fight of the waggons and provifions, and then my fpirit revived. God, in deep condefcenfion, fatisfied me that he was real, and had no pleasure in my. death; and that the wound was not incurable, that it was not the wound of an enemy, or the ftroke of a cruel one, but the wound of a friend in order to healing. He was now to make me fell all for that goodly pearl; and that I might be fatisfied with my purchafe, he let me fee both what I was to leave, and what I was to obtain. Again, he knew what a wilderness I was to go through, and, therefore, fed me before I entered into it. Laftly, he defigned to give me fome-, thing which might be a ftay in all fucceeding trials. And often fince, when my foul has been in heavinefs, have I been cheered by the remembrance of it.

3. But, alas! I understood not this: I fancied this world would last always: I talked of building tabernacles here, and knew not how I was to come down from the mount, and that my Lord would depart from me again. I dreamed not of learning, or having occafion for war any more; I expected no more to fight with my corruptions, but thought the enemies, which appeared not, were dead, and that the "Egyptians were all drowned in the fea." Accordingly I projected to tie myself up to fuch a bent, and to itint myself to fuch a method of living, as neither our circumstances and temptations, nor our duty in this world allows' of. I could not endure to read thofe books which were really neceffary to be read, and all the time I spent in them feemed loft. Yea, I began to grudge the time which my body abfolutely required for fleep and other refreshments. Thus the devil fecretly drove me from one extreme to the other, knowing well, that I fhould not reft here, and that he could eafily throw me back from this into the first, of affuming too great a latitude. I began likewife to reckon this enlargement of heart as my due, and as more mine own than it really was. And I looked on the ftock I already had as fufficient to carry me through all my difficulties; and faw not, that the grace

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which was fufficient for me, was yet in the Lord's hand.

6. But now God began to undeceive me; he gave me a thorn in the flesh to humble me, and a meffenger of Satan was fent to buffet me, who foon made me feel the fury of his temptations. Hereupon I fell into deep perplexity; I began to queftion the truch of former manifeftations, to doubt of my own perfeverance; yea, fometimes to quarrel fecretly with God, as if he had beguiled me. I tried many ways to efcape; I thought upon God; I complained to him; I fought for the causes of my affliction; "I effayed to hake myself, and to go forth to duty as before;" but, alas! the Lord was departed from me: and the enemy "which lay in my bofom, had discovered my fecret, and fhorn me of my strength."

7. Yet I could not but fee, when I recovered my felf a little, after the violence of my conflict, that things were better with me now at my worst case, than formerly at my beft. God frequently fhewed me fomething of his power and glory; he opened a fcripture, and made my heart burn within me, or unfolded my cafe, and told me all that was in my heart; or let me fee my defire upon my enemies. Sometimes he gave me accefs unto him, and made me come even to his feat, and pour out my heart before him. And when at the loweft, I was otherwife affected to Chrift than before; my foul ftill longed after him; I effayed to ftretch out the withered hand, and wifhed for the command that would empower me to lay hold of him. I refufed to go any where elfe, but refolved to wait on him, and to truft in him, even though he fhould flay me. And as to his law,

though I could not run it, my will was ftill toward it; I had no quarrel to it, but to myfelf; I breathed after conformity with it; I delighted therein after the inward man. And as to fin, though I was fometimes driven to it, this was juft fuch a forced confent as before I gave to the law. Though it prevailed, my heart was not with it as before; I found another fort of oppofition to it; and if ever it gained a victory, I